So hopeless and dead ??
I feel so hopeless for a future or anything positive and I wonder am I already in H***. I can't remember ever being happy since my so called Father did that to me, I can't even remember how old I was when it started, but my earliest memory was him tucking me in and touching me. God I hate him for everything that he has done to me and how I have destroyed my own life trying to escape him and his twisted mind. I grew up not able to have any friends because I showed love and happiness by doing inappropriate things to my friends and myself because my Dad made me think in my mind that is how society is, and that's what you do. I have been on my own since 15 when I finally had enough of getting molested every day almost, only to find out the world is full of people like my Dad. Having no money no food no shelter nothing I slept on the city bus, and I met my first two official friends who ended up letting me sleep on their floor after meeting me on the bus a few times, there I was introduced to getting high and I loved it, I forgot all about my Dad and being degraded and hurt and so unhappy I finally felt free just from snorting this little powder. Until it was gone and I was woken up asked for money to pitch in for a re-up and when I said I didn't have any, Steve and Dawn told me I better make some if I wanted to stay there and especially if I wanted any more of what we did, and here is where h*** caught up with me, I said yes I definitely wanted more and I didn't want to be a free loader, did they know anyone who needed babysitting or any jobs hiring Dawn took me to a bar by her house but they wouldn't hire me at 15, and I felt so defeated, but on the way back home she gave me a little line and said WE would figure it out. well her idea of WE is ME and it's being a cam girl to sucking and f****** stranger's and Dawn twisted my head just like my Dad. At first I was alone on a cam site, then she said to get more people to pay her and I would fool around and then awhile later to get more people to pay I needed to f*** a guy and she knew a perfect one and then two and three I was so dumb for giving in to that I know now, Men will degrade you in every way possible to assert themselves God the horrible things I have done or let happen makes me truly wonder if I am in H*** because I doubt I will ever be happy or ever find someone to love me enough not to expect me to do things I don't want to do. Love is an illusion I just wonder if H*** is to or if I kill myself will I finally be free to love and be happy and respected and not be a p**** magnet. My fear is killing myself and going to a worse h*** than I'm already in.Sep 19