Beyond abnormal actions of my best friend’s husband

I went to visit my best friend about a decade ago. While not a huge fan of her husband who brags about things he sucks at (s** is only one: my bestie talks a lot), occasionally he can actually be likable albeit strange. Here strange in particular.

My friend was out getting some food for us to eat later that evening before we all hung out. I was at her house with her husband waiting for her to get back. He was walking around itching myself burping, then out of nowhere the need to walk around half naked in front of me. Was like wtf is going on here but didn’t say anything as it’s his house. Lotta strange looks from me but again his house.

He takes off his pants and his boxers are all he’s wearing. Starts asking me questions about s**. Figured just a way to shoot the sh*t before she gets back. Nope. Hey man what’s your favorite position? I love doggie. Strange look his way. I actually prefer missionary but we’re all different, why? Missionary, nice. It’s hard for me to get hard that way, but cool. No offense with your wife? Fascinating. Woah man what’s your problem? Umm nothing just was a little surprised but I guess you prefer to not be close to her face.

Gross stare my way. Stands up. Gigantic h******. Drops trow. You like my c***? I’m not gay man but smaller than I assumed. It actually looked big,which from bestie’s description this seemed larger than usual. Yeah I live c***. I prefer p**** bro but I like c***, so wanna touch it? Um man if this is some game you guys got going I’m not into it. Im an open minded dude but this isn’t mg cup of tea. No offense.

“Man. I know you want it. You’ve been staring at it all day.” I was staring at my bestie all day which he knew. Guy is definitely up to something. He gets in my face. “I know you like c***, we all do.” Yeah I like my c*** or I guess a hot p**** with Jeanna Fine doing her thing, yeah that’s it. I want you to suck it. M**y doesn’t give b*******, she’s terrible at it. “Not what I’ve heard, but makes sense being you don’t know how to either.” What suck c*** loser? No, I know you don’t know how to eat a girl out which I find kinda sad and strange. It’s cool man, I guess it’s not for everybody.

Puts his fist in the air acting like he’s gonna strike. I smile. “What’s your problem a**hole?” Um you, you’re pathetic. Course I already knew this. Do you get naked for every guy M**y invites over?” Creepy stare. “I mean man, I expected you to show off with your wife because you mega overachieved, but this is f*cling weird. Ya know this really explains a lot. I had a feeling all the bragging was over compensating. Does she know? It’s normal man but strange way to go about it, no?

Puts his boxers back on. Total silence. Slaps his built ass like a psycho. “You’re missing out man.” Does she knows bro? “Of course not, idiot” Well must be nice to have a nice firm ass. Trying not to laugh. “F*ck you!!!” “I’m gonna take a shower, I love being naked. You should try it sometime!” I do often. Showers are great. S** is obviously better, but with women bro. Hey, different strokes.

Runs back down stairs with an even bigger h******. I should just f*cl you here and teach you something!” What? How to f*cl men properly? “Told ya man, not my thing. But you can dry hump the wall or sofa to show me how it’s done.” Livid, smarmy stare. “Always have to be funny don’t you?” A comment for every subject or occasion.” Well, it helps but I think it’s quite necessary here. Dirty grin. Starts jerking off and moaning. I walk outside. He follows.

They live kind you on the middle of b***** nowhere in Maine. Woods everywhere so he usually can get away with such insanity. Course, there’s a road that comes from the highway that eventually passes their house. Guy in a truck sees bald, ugly naked guy jerking off chasing me into the woods. So much fun. So damn weird.

“Dude wtf!’ “You ok man, what the h*** is going on here??” My best friends husband is insane bro, keeps hitting on me and I can’t tell if he’s on something, secretly gay or this is all a joke, it’s beyond old.” Little f*ggot, I’ll take care of him.” Dude, I think he’s having a breakdown or something man, just let him finish. I honestly think he’s finally close.

“Wtf are you talking about?” I think it’s his way of finally coming out or trying to try something new, then again this sadly makes a lotta sense with why he brags so horribly. “What??” The guy is full of crap man but he’s either trying to prove an abnormal point or he’s just honey af.” “Brother, this isn’t Will & Grace country, this is seriously f*cked up.” Oh you’re getting no denials from me there man not that I care if this is who he really is, but I think he’s having a breakdown. “Yeah a mega gay one, you 2 deserve each other.” “Good f*cking luck, you’re gonna need it.”

Well, once you pulled up he ran towards the woods to I believe finish thankfully. This is a new one even from me but thankfully I’m not from here. Hopefully she’ll be back soon. Trying not to laugh. Truck guy laughs hard. “You’re handing this better than I would, that guy looks like an ugly chicken.” Well at least his ass is firm. “Wtf? You’re gay?” Nah man it’s an inside joke relating to Mr j*** off. Sorry I couldn’t help myself. “Well, he looks lost now kiddo, I hope he doesn’t try and rape ya. “Goodbye now.” Let us pray. Trying not to die laughing. Guy in truck laughs back, mutual thumbs up.

Friends’ hubby walks over having sadly just jerked off on a tree buck naked. Gross look on my face. “Man, why am I naked?” You honestly don’t know? I guess how could you after the guy showed up and threatened to kill ya. I still think you’re full of crap, then again you’ve always been. Still, this explains a lot regardless. “Wtf you talking about?” I’m so glad I don’t live nearby. C’mon. Let’s go inside. You first. He still looks dazed. I can’t help laughing. No idea for sure if was a stunt, realization or he’s having a true breakdown. Respect regardless because it takes b**** to do something like that and follow through. Still, very glad I don’t live nearby.

Mar 21

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  • What in the f*** was that nonsense? I think you better revisit grade school English.

  • Small cell phone and not using quotes for every convo brother. It happens. Enjoy.

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