Rifleman (Addiction to gunpowder)

I miss my gun sooo much. I miss my uniform as well... Although this part of my life is over and I can have a normal life, I keep thinking about the army and dreaming I could do it one more time..
I close my eyes and feel the curves of my m16. It's serial number is always floating in my head, I can smell the oil and gunpowder, I can hear it's sounds... I can even feel the recoil power in my shoulder...
I imagine myself running with the gun, targeting at people I see on the streets. When my neighbours are making disturbing noise, I look out of the window and fantasize about targeting at them with my iron sight and taking them down... I can see the falling, hear the hitting sound and screaming women...
I'm absolutely messed up!
I have never shot anyone. Sometimes I feel like I did, and erased it from my memory. But I did not! I know that...
I've been in battles, I remember the motar bombing, the flares, lots of other stuff...
I just can't get it out of my head! WAR... I have some gear in my closet at home - a combat vest, boots, commando knife, ropes, flashlight, magazines, and a box with documents, badges, my beret...
I don't know what to do... I can't ask for help, it's intended for people who had much more trauma than me...
I didn't have to deal with really heavy stuff... And it's not that bad... I just miss the army... and my gun... the feeling of it... and of carrying my gun everywhere with me..
I'm not sure I can tell my girl about it... She prayed every day that this nightmare, my military service - will end, and it did.
That's it...

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  • This confession seems fake, like its written by some psycho. You know how I know. Because in the Army you never refer to your M-16 as a gun, never.

  • ...I am writing this...

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