I think I want to die

I've had depression for almost 3yrs now. I swore I wouldn't cut. I wouldn't hurt myself like that, i've seen what it does to people. What it did to my older brother. But at this point I don't know what to do.
I want to die but I can't do it myself. I can't just leave my family and friends and if one of them finds my body I know they'd just blame themselves for not seeing the signs after how close it got with my brother.
I don't even trust myself with knives. I'm terrified of how tempted I am with just holding one, how close i've gotten to having the same scars he does. I can't do that to him. But I just can't do this anymore. My life isn't bad, I have a good family. Friends I care about. Why can't I just be happy? Why does life have to be so hard. I don't understand.

Jul 14

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  • I found pain was a good focussing thing. Would lift the fog of depression. As did exercise Or being social with people. At work though I found pain to be a good way to clear my mind and be able to do the work I was supposed to do.

    I started just pinching myself. Especially my nipples through my shirt. (I'm a guy btw). Then I tried clothes pegs and later nipple clamps. The pain only lasts a few minutes but I could focus on work for say half an hour. Then I would unpeg and get another rush of pain.

    I've got renewed understanding and empathy for those kids who cut. Instead of focusing in the cutting, we need to find out what is stressing them.

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