I think I want to die
I've had depression for almost 3yrs now. I swore I wouldn't cut. I wouldn't hurt myself like that, i've seen what it does to people. What it did to my older brother. But at this point I don't know what to do.
I want to die but I can't do it myself. I can't just leave my family and friends and if one of them finds my body I know they'd just blame themselves for not seeing the signs after how close it got with my brother.
I don't even trust myself with knives. I'm terrified of how tempted I am with just holding one, how close i've gotten to having the same scars he does. I can't do that to him. But I just can't do this anymore. My life isn't bad, I have a good family. Friends I care about. Why can't I just be happy? Why does life have to be so hard. I don't understand.