Feeling as low as it gets

I really want to hurt myself right now. Permanently. Life has been once run ** show and I have fought tooth and nail for good mental health and a good life. I know now that I will never have that. I will be alone and miserable. People always say that we should help suicidal people, and that things will get better, but no one really wants to help. They just want you to not kill yourself so that they will not have to feel bad about things after you are gone. Where does that leave me? Alive, but socially shamed because I want to do something that everyone things is bad.
If you are reading this, please know that I am not going to kill myself. I have tried that twice before and I know it will not work. I will just be left feeling worst and in a worst situation than before. So, where does that leave me? Waking up everyday for the rest of my life feeling disappointed to be alive? Who is help me when everything does fall part and I am homeless on the streets? I know that answer. No one will be there.
I just hope that someone kills me, or that I die in a car accident, or natural disaster. That way I can die, and all the people who "love" me won't have to feel guilty that they didn't help.

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