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I'm a Neo-** but secretly ** for **.
So basically all my life I've been a part of a group who are a Neo-** organization. Not really by choice or anything, more or less adopted into it by certain members. I love them all like family though.
I've tried my hardest to fit in, which is hard because I'm one of the only female members, yet I can't deny i find black men attractive and i hate it and it fills me with such guilt and self-loathing.
It's really gotten bad since i met a guy through my work who is black and he's so handsome and nice to me even though he's seen my tattoos and knows who i roll with etc.
I just want to surrender to my ** for him but i know that's suicide. It makes me so miserable. Maybe I can sleep with him in secret but its so scary...and exhilarating too. He doesn't even hate when i causally say ** in his presence (it comes naturally) plus he actually agrees with a lot of the stuff i believe in (right wing things naturally) so it hurts even more i cant be with him naturally.
I hate I'm such a hypocrite in life and wish i could escape with him, yet i don't want to lose my 'family' or bring shame to one of them in particular who i view as a sort of father figure.
My life is all messed up and it fills me with such frustrated rage. Wish i could have been born into a life without this taboo like how most women don't need to worry about it. Whenever i see an interracial couple it reminds me what i can't have and i feel such jealous anger i want to hurt them.
I want to ** this ** so badly it hurts. I think i love him. I'm such a coward.
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