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Feeling superior to a person who has died
My first cousin was a college grad. Beautiful, intelligent and lovable. I was envious of her although when she got cancer I was devasted. The doctors wee unable to save her and she died in a slow painful way,
Despite myself when I looked at her face in her coffin I felt a sense of triumph. Not a good feeling though.
A very good friend who had also accomplished more than I have also died and I had the same feeling when I looked at him in his coffin. A third and final friend the same.
I loved and admired all three of my deceased friends and a relative but I can't shake the feeling that I won some sort of contest I was having with them. Its not right but that s the way I felt.
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It's interesting - I went the other way. I had a friend in college who was beautiful, super brainy, popular with boys, athletic who was incredibly warm, witty and accomplished and she died unexpectedly when she was only 24. When I went up to her coffin to say goodbye I just felt pity, not jealousy. Here was this beautiful, strong woman in a coffin with so much silk and lace cradling her that it looked like she was on a cloud. I looked under the lower lid and saw she was going to be buried barefoot, toes on silk, as someone who loved shoes so much it was strange. I kissed her goodbye on the forehead and I could tell right away there was nothing left of her in her body. Death is weird.