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I dislike myself.
I've always despised myself, My personality, my appearance. For most of my early my single mother provided for me. I am currently studying to be a full stack developer. Working for a few years, Making enough for my sister to buy a house and go the college and for my mother to live a comfortable life, Then quitting and killing myself through becoming a soldier, because doing it myself would stop me from going to heaven.
God says thou shall not kill
Becoming a soldier could prevent you from going to heaven.