(real story) I molested by my babysitter at 5 and loved it

I can't prove this happened (but I can give some details), but when I was 4 years old my mom divorced my dad and so my dad couldn't watch me anymore when my mother went to work. I think I was traumatized by my father leaving; I could remember the night he said he had to go, and I didn't see him for many years after he left. After my dad left, my mother hired a babysitter named Paige who was around 15 to 18 years old at the time, that started baby sitting me from 4 and a half to 5 years old. Because my dad left, I developed an extreme attachment problem that would give me bad anxiety, and that caused me to cling to my babysitter at the time. I unfortunately remember only small vivid parts of our interactions together, because all this happened around 18 years ago. Paige's parents dropped her off at my mom's house once (in my old neighborhood Rock Springs Ridge, Apka, and Paige sat at my mom's dinner table on her phone after my mom left, and when I asked her when my mom was coming home she told me that's its late and I needed to go to bed. When I laid down I think I remember her coming into my bedroom and asking her to put a real foxtail, given to me as a gift from my grandma, in my ** and when she put it between my ** cheeks I asked her to put it in deeper, and so she did and it felt good. This event, if it was not a made up dream, likely occured long after she possible, maybe, began doing ** penetration with me. Also, I have a blurry memory of a woman in my mom's shower. The only vivid memory I have of Paige and I was when my mom took me to my babysitters parent's house, and when Paige's parents and my mom left Paige and I rode a bike together I think, and then she got something out of her red truck, and she said she would give me chocolate that she got from school if I did what she said, and then we went back inside and she told me to follow her to her room. I remember her room was kinda bare bones empty, with a white tile floor, a dresser, and a big queen size bed. We sat together on the bed, with her sitting by the head of her bed, and I sat criss cross apple sauce near the footboard of the bed, curious about what we were going to do. She pulled her pants down and I saw her **, so then I also took my pants off too. Paige said that if I lick her private part, she would lick mine in return. She told me to lick her and so I said if she licks me first I would lick her back. I remember my heart racing, I remember how quiet her room was, and when she bent down to lick me it felt so good. I remember it being possibly, the first ** I ever had. After she licked me for a few seconds, I bent down and licked her in return. I can remember the black hair on her **, the dark and light brown coloration of her **, the slight salty pee flavor of her **; I could smell the pee and sour vinegar like smell of her underage 15 to 18 years old **. I licked her for under a minute and I felt gross about it so I stopped. The memory had to be real because I never saw a ** before, I never learned about how it smelled or tasted, and I was only 5. I forgot completely about the licking memory, for about two years, and during a ** predator education class in school, I think thats when the memory came back to me at 7 years old. Also, I became hyper sexual around that age and would have sexual fantasies about my classmates and teachers, as well as having sexual interactions with my pet dog, I would look up naked girls on my computer, and would steal my mom's underwear and hide them under my bed from 7 to 9 years old. I became extremely hypersexual and would constantly hump my bed and stuffed animal for years to come. I would also ask girls twice my age to show me their private parts rarely. I read that hypersexuality often comes from childhood sexual experiences. Many years later in high school I began ** myself and putting objects in my ** out of nowhere, which I think came as a result of forgotten ** penetration from my babysitter. My gf said that her babysitter molested her and so she became hypersexual as well, but my gf, who was 33, very recently died from fentanyl, so I have been looking everywhere for Paige so that she can groom me again. Please comment and tell me your thoughts.

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