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Death might be a little treat.
Sometimes I feel that death would be nice. Like, maybe if I just died for just a little bit I'd be able to rest for a moment. Maybe that's what Jesus was about over that weekend. He was just DONE.
I don't think I've actually had a moment of true inner peace since before high school. I keep having this fantasy of just getting in my car when I'm meant to drive to/from work and... GOING... Nothing prepped, just drive somewhere and not tell anyone. See who notices first and what they'll do, what will fall apart without me, not even caring, just seeing how far I get and letting the bush claim me.
My mind never shuts the ** up. I'm constantly worried about how/what every person is feeling/thinking of me, what will happen next, microanalysing my every movement to make sure I'm as palatable as possible and hiding my mind, trying so hard to get ahead of everything and desperate to just stop and enjoy the moment, but never being able to because how dare I rest when there's still work to be done? Work that isn't for myself or needs to be done, but would just be neat, and let's not forget all the extremely important tasks. No, I have no idea why my sleep cycle is so **, my emotions unregulated and body constantly hurting or my reliance on immediate dopamine so chronic. ** off.
Hmm, maybe I'll actually leave those relatively unimportant tasks for later and prioritise. Oh, my mum snuck into my house when I wasn't home and is now giving me a lecture on how I should clean up the crumbs in the toaster? Man, I guess I'm a lazy piece of useless **. I guess cleaning the whole rest of the house, doing a **-tonne of laundry, attending two family events, weeding the garden and programming four weeks of school programs for kindi in a weekend was just child's-play. It was nothing. I really should have been focusing on the ** crumbs.
It's not like in the span of two months I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years, was verbally abused and harassed by his mum, quit my permanent job as a classroom teacher to move 9 hours back to my hometown after living independently for a decade and taking up casual teaching for much less pay and higher living costs, effectively neutering the life I planned for myself as I hurtle towards 30, having spent the last 12 years prioritising building my skills and career and suffering major traumas at work when I should have been exploring and figuring out who I was, and now I'm a 28 yo woman who is in a safe enough environment to go after relationships with women and am as useless as a preteen at trying to flirt and have relationships with them because I've had no experience JESUS ** CHRIST AND THE WORLD KEEPS TRYING TO ** ITSELF WHAT IS THE POINT??? Let's not even get into the fertility issues I'll soon experience as I get older or if I even want to put my body through that despite being maternal AF.
... I'm just so tired.
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