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I want to get worse
Everytime i do something impulsive or embarrassing i end just heat up and i start rushing from one thought to another and i feel myself wanting to go back again. I know i hated it but i didnt care, its been 4 or 5 years since i last did sh but now that i embarassed myself i want to do it again. I've gotten better over the years, ive worked harder on my studies, ive joined sports, clubs, i have friends but its not enough. Ive been through therapists and 4 days in a psych ward but after all this time i still get trapped in thought of how i was before and how i long for it again. A few minutes ago i held my pocket knife again and pressed it against my thigh, it hurt but not the way it felt when i did before. It hurt in a way that i didnt want to cut, and i don't know why. I wanted to stop my thoughts but i couldnt get myself to go throught the pain again.
12 days
Try to take things day by day. Do not get down on yourself. we all make mistakes that lead to embarrassing moments. Somehow with time we seem to get through it. You have a long life ahead of you, be patient with yourself and those around you.... your going to be OK.