My Biggest Secret
When I was a child my cousin use to touch me and molested me until I was old enough to know that what he was doing was something wrong. I LOVED HIM he was like my brother I could not get my head around the fact that he was hurting me. After that our relationship changed. I blocked it from my mind like it never happened. He was always the trouble maker but he was the oldest one and everyone always bailed him out. He was on drugs and stole and finally when we thought he was a grown man and he fixed his life he got arrested for child molestation.
He in Jail and my family forever changed. My aunt, my mom and my Granny were never the same. They think he is innocent and pay thousands of dollars we did not have because we are a lower middle class family. It was not until all these happened that I remember and It hit me like a bag of bricks. I have never told anyone. I feel sorry for him, but I’m so angry and I feel guilty that someone else got hurt when I could have said something and he could have gotten help and maybe he would not be in jail and life would probably be different. BUT at the same time I don’t think that anyone would have believed me. Knowing my family they would have said that maybe I miss understood the way he show love. My Granny was broken hearted when we was sentence to 15 years, I was so sad for her but I was sooooo glad he was finally put away where he can’t hurt anybody else. I wrote him many letters as if nothing has happened, always telling him that God forgives his sins but he shows no remorse he say he is innocent and after that I HAVE NEVER WROTE HIM AGAIN. My mom is mad; my aunt is hurt because I don’t write him. But What do I have left to say? “You child molester b****** I hope you rot in jail and I’m glad you can’t hurt any other kid. You ruined my life and I hate you” I think is the first time I have ever expressed what I feel.
My life is a mess, I can’t get in to healthy relationships with men, they are destructive or just casual relationships. I often have s** with strangers and currently I’m having s** with my ex best friend and is simply wrong but I can’t help it. I have good weeks and all of the sudden something happened and I go back to my destructive ways. I left home for collage when I was 17 and I have never returned, after collage I move to a different country and I see my family once a year.
They are so into their own lives that they never called me or care. I had surgery I could not walk for weeks and NONE of them called me not once. I felt like a street dog all alone, I’m the only child and my mom has gone her way to help my rapist cousin because she feels sorry for him because his Dad never loved him but then I was crippled for weeks and She could not come and helped me because she has been way to depressed with my cousins situation and my Granny’s death. I know they resent me because in a way I have been the one who escape that never helped giving money for the trial, the one that lives close but never been to visit. I angry so angry and I don’t know how to fix it, I know God loves me but don’t know why? I try to be a good person but sometimes I don’t manage to do it. I know I’m in rollercoaster but somehow I8 CAN’T GET OFF. S** is a big problem One of these days I’M GOING TO HAVE S** WITH A stranger and wake up somewhere I don’t know, with a missing kidney, or get killed or simple get a disease. I have been controlled lately but If I don’t have s** I need to m*********. I watch p*** and the older I get the more twisted my desires. Bondage, hitting, anything that is rough I like. I have sleep with married man, men that have girlfriends, even friends. I’m F- up, and I will probably go to h***. Im tired of living a double life and I think to end up my secret life I might have to just end my life. Not that much people with give s***, I have friends that will suffer but with time they will recover, my mother don’t know how to be happy so with me gone she could be miserable for the rest of her life and that will be the best good excuse. Since my family is poor I don’t want to leave an economical burden so I need to finish paying some stuff and sell my place and then I could do it. I don’t know how, but it will be something quick and effective. This is not a cry for help, I can’t be helped, I’m passed that point. In two more years I will be able to do it. I even have a plan. I will move to a different state, so it will be easier for my friends and then just do it. I’m not attractive, I CAN’T seems to be able to have healthy relationships with men, and I would never have kids I don’t want to s**** them up. I’m 28, I was molested as a child by my cousin, I can’t sleep, I’m a s** addict, my family don’t love me, I live two lives, and by 30 I hope to have my finances in order so I could kill myself. I sorry if will hurt someone because of it. I look strong but I’m very fragile and I’m tired and it is time to go to h*** where I belong, and these is my biggest secret.