Okay here it goes....I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 5 years. Before I say what I really need to get off my chest, I need to also share this: In September of 05 my dad attempted suicide for the 2nd time. I was devastated and hurt and mad and so many other emotions were going through my head. I have never talked to my boyfriend about this, or anyone for that matter because it is embarrasing and I'm ashamed of him for it. I no longer have a realtionship with my dad because I do not want to get hurt again. After all of, I found out I was pregnant. I was 16. I was happy and scared all at the same time, but I knew that if my boyfriend and I stayed together that we could make it work and would be happy. When I was just a little over 3 months along, I had a miscarriage. I was devastated. Ten days later on January 20th, my Grandma passed away. I didn't know what to do. Writing this right thinking about everything that has went on makes my heart drop. I miss her everyday and think about all the fun we shared and all the laughs we had. After everything that had happened to me in a short 6 month time. Not long after I found out that my boyfriend had cheated on me. I was crushed beyond belief. I was still 16 and dumb and decided to give him a second chance. We worked on things and after a while things were back to normal and we were happy again. But after everything I went through, I started drinking. A lot. When I would drink I would cheat on my boyfriend. I have cheated on him with 9-10 different guys. Many of them numerous times. When it first started, I would hang out with him and feel really really guilty. Now after it has been going on for quite a while I no longer feel that guilty. Last weekend he caught me. I said I was sorry and that I wanted to work things out and he gave me a second chance. But then this weekend I went out, got drunk and did it again. I don't know why I do this. I don't want to hurt him but its like I can't not do this. All of my friends know about it and tell me not to do it but I don't listen. I feel so bad about it right now and I needed to get it off my chest. I promised myself after being hurt so awfully bad by my dad's attempted suicides that I would NEVER do that. I wouldn't want to hurt my family like he has. But today thats all I can think about. Just to kill myself so I don't have to live with the wreck of a person that I've become. I really do love my boyfriend and we have a great relationship when we are together. We have fun, laugh and do everything with each other. I don't want to hurt him or ruin what I have with him. I pray he never finds out.