Life Story

Okay here it goes....I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 5 years. Before I say what I really need to get off my chest, I need to also share this: In September of 05 my dad attempted suicide for the 2nd time. I was devastated and hurt and mad and so many other emotions were going through my head. I have never talked to my boyfriend about this, or anyone for that matter because it is embarrasing and I'm ashamed of him for it. I no longer have a realtionship with my dad because I do not want to get hurt again. After all of, I found out I was pregnant. I was 16. I was happy and scared all at the same time, but I knew that if my boyfriend and I stayed together that we could make it work and would be happy. When I was just a little over 3 months along, I had a miscarriage. I was devastated. Ten days later on January 20th, my Grandma passed away. I didn't know what to do. Writing this right thinking about everything that has went on makes my heart drop. I miss her everyday and think about all the fun we shared and all the laughs we had. After everything that had happened to me in a short 6 month time. Not long after I found out that my boyfriend had cheated on me. I was crushed beyond belief. I was still 16 and dumb and decided to give him a second chance. We worked on things and after a while things were back to normal and we were happy again. But after everything I went through, I started drinking. A lot. When I would drink I would cheat on my boyfriend. I have cheated on him with 9-10 different guys. Many of them numerous times. When it first started, I would hang out with him and feel really really guilty. Now after it has been going on for quite a while I no longer feel that guilty. Last weekend he caught me. I said I was sorry and that I wanted to work things out and he gave me a second chance. But then this weekend I went out, got drunk and did it again. I don't know why I do this. I don't want to hurt him but its like I can't not do this. All of my friends know about it and tell me not to do it but I don't listen. I feel so bad about it right now and I needed to get it off my chest. I promised myself after being hurt so awfully bad by my dad's attempted suicides that I would NEVER do that. I wouldn't want to hurt my family like he has. But today thats all I can think about. Just to kill myself so I don't have to live with the wreck of a person that I've become. I really do love my boyfriend and we have a great relationship when we are together. We have fun, laugh and do everything with each other. I don't want to hurt him or ruin what I have with him. I pray he never finds out.

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  • You are trying to compensate by doing the things to other people, that other people have done to you. You dont want to be like them but the more you try not to, the more you will. You can stop it by accepting that what is done is done. They cant hurt you anymore, so stop hurting yourself.

  • as much as you may love him you need to be single. you can't love someone else until you love yourself and it seems like that is a struggle. take time for you to get over all the hurt. you are trying to hurt others so they will be in pain like you are and that won't make you or anyone else happy. good luck. love

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