Whatever...

I am 29 years old and I am empty inside. I have been depressed and hated myself for longer than I can remember. The things in life that once brought me joy long ago mean absolutely nothing to me and it is a daily struggle to simply get out of bed. Despite all this I manage to maintain a false personality for friends and family and the various other people I deal with on a regular basis. Not a single one of them know how completely miserable I am in life; as far as they're concerned I'm still a nice, wise-cracking fun person to be around who takes the time to make others happy. Pretend to be something long enough and you become an expert at it.

Nothing I have done in my life has affected a change on my situation, and much of what I've done tends to make things worse. Talking about the way I feel is useless, as it would alarm the people in my life that I care about and they've been through enough without my added problems. There is no catharsis for me as at the end of the day I still see my greatest problem staring back at me in the mirror.

I. Hate. Me.

Writing here won't change anything. I've done it simply because I have nothing else to do at the moment.

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  • You need the Lord, not religion, but a real relationship with Him. He will give your life meaning and purpose, just cry out to Him in sincerity and He will manifest His love to you.

  • I have been where you are. 42yo divorced male talking.
    You need to find a healthy outlet. Golf, running, charity work, church, heck, even playing cards at the local club. Go to the beach. Relish in spending time with your family members. Go to an outdoor concert or grab a friend or co-worker and go to a local sporting event.

    And avoid falling pitfall to drinking or drugs or gambling. If you do or have, be mindful of them. I LOVE playing blackjack at the casino. But I bring in the $ I am going to play with, and when it's gone, whoops, guess what, my credit cards and such are in the car. I can do something I enjoy, and have fun at the end of the night.

    I had the pleasure to meet Vince Neil, the singer for Motley Crue before a local concert when he was at a golf outing. In the 80's and early 90's he did every drug known to mankind and I believe either lost a child of his at a young age or the kid had some serious issues, and he was damn near suicidal, and had an addictive personality and ballooned to like 270lbs. When I met him, he had dropped a lot of weight and had been sober (still is) for 8 years or so, and I commented on having seen him in celebrity golf events, and his comment back was, "Hey, I have an addictive personality, and I've gotten addicted to golf. I play at least 18 at each tour stop. My tour manager hates me because he has to call ahead and book us at a course."

    Think about what you can do to direct energy to something, your family, faith, golf or any sport, a local social club.

    It's hard, I know. After my divorce I fell into a bad past habit of mine, well two actually, drinking and wallowing. I quit the latter and moderated the former and am now in a local billiards league that plays twice a week and I look forward to it.

    Give yourself something to look forward to and then focus on that. Sounds easy but I know its not. Be strong and do it. Whatever "it" is.

  • I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. Please ask Jesus to save you from this depression and any/every other affliction that is trying to destroy your life. Then find a good Bible-believing church in your area - (if you don't know of any, a good ministry like the 700 club, Jack Hayford's Church on the Way will be happy to help you).

    Please don't put this off. Be straight with God and He'll be straight with you! May He richly bless and deliver you!

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