I live with my parents again. They
I live with my parents again. They are Pentecostal. I am seeing a woman and they don't know about it. I don't feel like God loves me because of what I'm doing, and that he won't listen to me if I pray. The last man I saw, liked to hit me during s**, and I let him. He spit on me and called me names and tried to put things in me that wouldn't fit just to hurt me. He spanked me all over hard with belts, paddles and a long plastic stick that used to be attached to his blinds. He has choked me out on two different occasions. He has also urinated on me, and shoved himself so far down my throat I have thrown up numerous times. He has been calling me lately and has been trying to get me to come back. I don't think I like this stuff, I don't know. Maybe I just put up with what ever to be with him.
Right now I am in the first relationship that I have ever been in, where I haven't cheated. I have a s** addiction. Seriously. Not where I just like s** alot, but where s** gets me into alot of trouble, and I'm lucky I don't have a disease, or worse...that I'm dead. I have the worst time being faithful, and I really try to be. I guess I just want to be happy...like most people, but I continully set up disaster for myself. I'm depressed, borderline personality disorder, and bipolar.
I was also diagnosed alcohol dependent, even though the few people I've told don't believe it. I don't drink that much at all, but when I do sometimes it gets a little out of hand, and has the potential to get really bad. (not fighting,just cheating, and picking up strangers to sleep with)When I wrecked my car last year, my boss had let us take home some of the alcohol leftover from a wedding. I usually take it home for my mom to cook with. That day I opened a beer while I was driving, I guess I was so concerned about concealing it, that I rammed my car up the end of another car. I totalled both of our cars. No one ever saw or knew about the beer. I wasn't drunk or anything, but someone could have gotten hurt really bad. It was the first time I ever did anything like that, and the last.
I have been hospitalized four different times for suicide attempts and what not. I hate taking medicine, but I can't be without it, or I go into mania, and there's no telling what I'd do then or how long it would take before I lost my job, or got arrested. I have never gotten arrested.
Sometimes when I get upset, I cut and burn myself. I haven't done it in a while, but sometimes I really have to fight it. I have to sleep with the lights on or the tv, and I'm 27 years old. I have had too many bad nightmares and am afraid to wake up in the dark from them. I also get panic attacks in my sleep sometimes, and I wake up thinking I'm going to die. Ever since I was young, I was afraid someone was going to break into the house and I've always thought about sleeping in my closet. I still think about it. Everey once in a while I start thinking someone is going to get me. I pile things under the window and in front of the doors. I put bells on the doors and sleep with knives and baseball bats near me. I also have a fear of fire,it's not as bad as it used to be, but when I was a kid, I lay awake in bed all night long sometimes afraid there was going to be a fire, I also would go around the house and check every outlet, I still do that sometimes. I think I'm done confessing for now, it feels good to let ago, and a little crappy to bring things back up. I have lots more, but, I'm done for today