I live with my parents again. They

I live with my parents again. They are Pentecostal. I am seeing a woman and they don't know about it. I don't feel like God loves me because of what I'm doing, and that he won't listen to me if I pray. The last man I saw, liked to hit me during s**, and I let him. He spit on me and called me names and tried to put things in me that wouldn't fit just to hurt me. He spanked me all over hard with belts, paddles and a long plastic stick that used to be attached to his blinds. He has choked me out on two different occasions. He has also urinated on me, and shoved himself so far down my throat I have thrown up numerous times. He has been calling me lately and has been trying to get me to come back. I don't think I like this stuff, I don't know. Maybe I just put up with what ever to be with him.
Right now I am in the first relationship that I have ever been in, where I haven't cheated. I have a s** addiction. Seriously. Not where I just like s** alot, but where s** gets me into alot of trouble, and I'm lucky I don't have a disease, or worse...that I'm dead. I have the worst time being faithful, and I really try to be. I guess I just want to be happy...like most people, but I continully set up disaster for myself. I'm depressed, borderline personality disorder, and bipolar.
I was also diagnosed alcohol dependent, even though the few people I've told don't believe it. I don't drink that much at all, but when I do sometimes it gets a little out of hand, and has the potential to get really bad. (not fighting,just cheating, and picking up strangers to sleep with)When I wrecked my car last year, my boss had let us take home some of the alcohol leftover from a wedding. I usually take it home for my mom to cook with. That day I opened a beer while I was driving, I guess I was so concerned about concealing it, that I rammed my car up the end of another car. I totalled both of our cars. No one ever saw or knew about the beer. I wasn't drunk or anything, but someone could have gotten hurt really bad. It was the first time I ever did anything like that, and the last.
I have been hospitalized four different times for suicide attempts and what not. I hate taking medicine, but I can't be without it, or I go into mania, and there's no telling what I'd do then or how long it would take before I lost my job, or got arrested. I have never gotten arrested.
Sometimes when I get upset, I cut and burn myself. I haven't done it in a while, but sometimes I really have to fight it. I have to sleep with the lights on or the tv, and I'm 27 years old. I have had too many bad nightmares and am afraid to wake up in the dark from them. I also get panic attacks in my sleep sometimes, and I wake up thinking I'm going to die. Ever since I was young, I was afraid someone was going to break into the house and I've always thought about sleeping in my closet. I still think about it. Everey once in a while I start thinking someone is going to get me. I pile things under the window and in front of the doors. I put bells on the doors and sleep with knives and baseball bats near me. I also have a fear of fire,it's not as bad as it used to be, but when I was a kid, I lay awake in bed all night long sometimes afraid there was going to be a fire, I also would go around the house and check every outlet, I still do that sometimes. I think I'm done confessing for now, it feels good to let ago, and a little crappy to bring things back up. I have lots more, but, I'm done for today

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  • You have waaaayy too many issues to address them all! All I can say is to stay away from that man, cause he is not helping. Also, you might have schizophrenia. . .try to see a new doctor, so you can get a fresh opinion/diagnosis.

  • Ditto to the above comments. Going back to him will NOT make your situation any better, as a matter of fact it will only get worse, and you may not come out of it this time. You deserve to be treated like the worthwhile human being you are, not like some animal or s** slave, or worse.

    Most of all, God loves you, no matter what you've done or where you're at. He's calling out to you to surrender your life and your problems to Him. The devil's goal is to make you feel isolated and so beaten down and dirty that no one could ever love you, not even yourself. He reminds you of all those ugly things in the past, and keeps you doing those things you know aren't right. That is opression, but you can overcome it. You can find healing and redemption, and that's just what God wants for you. He wants you to live a meaningful and joyous life, to be loved and fulfilled. You've been living in the shadows too long, it's time to come into the light, honey.

    Please, please find a good pastor to talk to, not necessarily Pentecostal, but even non-denominational, someone who will give you unbiased help and advice. Please do it before it's too late. I'm praying for you.

  • Baby, you need to stay away from the man that abused you. Thats sll I know to say. I wish I could help more.

  • I hope you get notified for responses
    because this made me cry.
    I dont even know what to say...
    but there are people reading this and wishing you the best

  • Things happened to me when I was very young, my older brother did awful things to my sister. I guess because she was hurting, she did things to me,then I did things to my little brother(I was at an age where I didn't know any better). I have never gotten over it..I'm still working on it.
    I went back to the man who hurts me, I had called him and told his answering machine it was over two weeks ago(had to tell his answering machine, risking talking to him could sway my descision). Last night I went back to him, he didn't hurt me, but I know the next time, he'll want to. I cried all the way there and thought about ending my life(for the trillionth time) I didn't want to go back to him, I just felt so lonely, I feel like I have no controll over the whole situation. It's sad that I feel SO lonely, I'd let someone treat me the way he does just to feel needed for a couple minutes or however long the s** lasts.
    I've have been in the hospital again, in the psych ward. Winter is a very bad time for me. It was my fifth time there. They changed my medicine again, which is still not working. Since I last wrote my girlfriend and I broke up. She had been staying with a friend of mine. This friend has struggled with trying to stay off drugs and I thought I could be something positive in her life....it became too much to handle. Especially after me and Cat broke up,my friend had stolen her checkbook and had wrote so many checks that the account was overdrawn by like $790....it came down to... If I took her side I'd being turning on Cat who I still loved and couldn't be with, if I didn't take her side, my friend might tell someone that I don't want knowing about the fact that I 'm bi. So I had to decide, and I decided to choose neither. She wasn't the old Dae anymore anyways. She was out of controll, arrested for stealing, heavy into drugs, shooting up, when she was using she'd avoid me, she was lying constantly, and she had crossed me once in the past and I forgave her, but I couldn't deal with this. I have my own problems. So the only people I hung out with in my spare time, were out of the picture. So when Andrew called I didn't even fight myself from answering. I just wish this would all end. I just want to be content and all I do everyday is struggle and fight feel some kind of normalcy. I just think if I wasn't going along the way I am with Andrew, who would I be with...a differrent stranger every other night, doing only who knows what, it would be a matter of time before I ended up dead, like on" Looking for Mr. Goodbar", I wonder, would death be better than this?

  • were you molested or raped as a child? that may explain things.

  • S**** THERAPY-YOU NEED BOB LARSON.YOUR PARENTS ARE PENTECOSTAL AND THEY CANT RECOGNISE DEMONIC OPRESSION. Confess your sins to God.Repent.Then tell the devil to take a walk.Sleep with a bible on your chest if need be.There is nothing wrong with you.You are being tormented by demons.

  • hi,I wrote the confession, and I would like to add that I have been in therapy for a long time. I knew I needed help and I'm alot better than I used to be.

  • well i thinks that enough for the day let alone the rest of your life ! you need hlep !!

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