The love FOR and OF my life is gone...
I am afraid for my personal safety, I wouldn't commit suicide... I'm too coward to do it, but I think I'm convinced if I had an accident I wouldn't do anything to save my life.
All this, because the girl of my life has left me, we broke up because of a thing I planned to do (I couldn't do it; that is be with a girl just for the physical thing) 2 years ago, something I'm not proud of and I won't do even if I'm single.
I'm crazy about her, I really Love her. We lived together for a year (unofficially, because we were juniors in college. I officially lived with my parents but sometimes I slept at her department [she lives alone because she was born in another city, and goes to college over here.] or she slept at my house, there wasn't a day I slept alone or she slept alone, my family accepted her.), we did everything together, go shopping for groceries, clean her apartment or my house, I always cooked her breakfast and she cooked me lunch, it gave me peace. I opened my sensitive side to her, she knows all my demons and all the things that brings me peace and tranquility, and I know her's.
Now, she dumped me... I cried everyday, it's been about 2 months, and I still have strong feelings for her, she says to me every time she notices that I should care about her less.
I just want to get back with her, but I know I can't, but it's so difficult to cope with that if I see her everyday, I'm still in love with her, and I have an objective love for her, she's a magnificent human being, she has points of views you wouldn't imagine, the way she express herself, she's so intelligent and funny, and curious...
She has, sometimes, told me to never close the door to a new possibility... I won't... but to my point of view, shes the best girl/human being I could ever be with. And this brings me sadness, why? because I found about a guy she was starting to have feelings for, and turns out, he's a friend of mine; something calms me down: he won't do anything with her, he has said he respects me. But i found out he said to her "do you think there will ever be a chance we would be together?" that broke my heart even more, because she said to me "I was having sort of feelings for him... not the same kind he has for me, but yeah, feelings" she also said that those feelings are not exactly because she feels attracted to him, but because he's a "new" thing... That makes me feel like old news.
She has sometimes told me she doesn't know the way things may go, We maybe get back together but maybe not... but sometimes I break and kiss her and hug her... not just like a friend... but as someone that wants something more, a relationship. And she notices it, and sometimes push me away (unconscious) and it hurts (haha)
I just... love her, and miss her, miss everything about her. All things around me remind me of her, I cry to sleep, she's the last thing in my mind when i go to sleep, and she's the first thing in my mind when I wake up, and almost all the things I think about in between.
At the start of this confession, I said I wouldn't do anything to save my life in case of an accident. But I wouldn't start my confession without the worst part of that time, now I have improved, I would totally save my life, but still I have been depressed for 2 months. That's the only thing that has improved, I still have the same strong feelings for her and don't know what to do... it hurts everyday to see her and want to kiss her and hug her. yesterday I was helping her to pack her bags, she was going to her hometown for a little 4-day weekend, and she is so sexy, she looked so attractive pushing her backpack down to close it, i just had to go to the living room and rest... the next thing I do, I go to her bedroom she was packing something, I grabbed her arm, turned her around, and I gave her a deep hot kiss and hugged her while I did it, she didn't fight it, which made me feel good, after that we took her bags, go to have dinner with my dad, sister, brother and after that I drove her to the bus station, she got on the bus... I watch her get in her seat from outside, she didn't notice, and I'm thankful for that, next thing I do is get in my car and cry for a while, then I drove home.
I just wanted to get that off my chest with a community that doesn't know me. Because the friend I talked about, is actually the friend that I had my releases with... the one that has a thing for her... so.. LOL... I couldn't go to him now :/
Thanks for the reading, and if you don't comment is alright, because I did it for me, and to feel better and burst my emotions out... :P