I'd like a triple cheeseburger, extra large fries, and a coke please.
I didn't care about my weight until my twelfth year of high school, when I suddenly noticed the big roll of stomach fat I had. Compared to everyone else, whose stomachs were flat, I felt like a huge f***** and pretty much starved myself for a couple months. I weighed 112 pounds before this.
So after a while I was like "f***" and started a diet that was low-everything, but eating up to 700 calories a day (more than I had before). After I finally got down to around 103, my doctor tells me I'm underweight. I'm like "f*** no, look how fat I am!"
Somehow I manage to stop caring about my weight, and to get my doctor/parents off my ass I started eating what I wanted without meticulously recording everything. In the middle of September, just a few months ago, I was weighed by the doctor (during a physical) to find out I was one hundred and thirteen f****** pounds. Naturally, I freaked out and went back on my diet, but oh no that isn't enough. I started puking up everything bad I ate, only keeping down vegetables pretty much. Now our family never gets good food, so I'm pretty much eating once or twice a day AND throwing up whatever I eat. Today I was weighed again at the doctors and I weigh 111 pounds. I would weigh less, but at first I'd been going through ups and downs with my eating--one day I'd eat whatever, then the next day I'd barely eat, then the next day I'd eat and puke. For about a week straight I've been barely eating AND puking, so I've lost two pounds. In seven days. The s***** thing is, this is encouraging me because it's like "Oh sweet! I'm losing weight!!!" Even though I KNOW it's bad, I KNOW I should eat more, but F*** I FEEL FAT ALL THE TIME. I can't tell anyone this because they'll laugh and laugh. I can't tell me doctor, who I'm seeing for depression and here's the funny thing---he actually sees Eating Disorder kids. Depression is just another one of his things. So if I told him "uhm... I think I'm bulimic.." he'd be all over my ass. I WISH I could tell my mom, I wish I could tell someone, but I really want to get down to a hundred pounds. I CAN'T be over 110. It makes me crazy. I hate this so much... I want McDonalds. I want their 1000 calorie burger... but I know I'd throw it up. I go to restaurants and I have to say "Excuse me" so I can go throw up in the f****** toilet. I'm hunched there, hugging the bowl, finger in my throat, retching my delicious high calorie dinner up. I HATE MYSELF, FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.
This made me feel better though. I like ranting.