I feel so ashamed...

Basically, this all started when I was younger, I come from a lower middle class family, dad doesn't live with us, rarely see him, mum has an alcohol problem etc. Every week around Thursday I'd be sent up to my uncles house for a weekly lend of €20 to get bread, milk etc. I used to hate going up there because my uncle would always feel ass and put his hand down my trousers. I never said a word because of shame, I was only 15 when this started. It eventually got worse and he started paying me money to m********* him. It was usually 25 euro's which for a 15 year old like me was a lot of money, I'd use that to buy more stuff that was needed in the house and have some money for the weekend with my friends. I used to feel proud that I could buy extra food for the family, felt like the man of the house, which I was really. This continued until I was 17. I was with my current Fiancée (Girlfriend at the time). I suddenly decided I couldn't live with the guilt anymore, even if it meant losing out on the extra food for my brothers and sisters. I went job seeking and left school so I could provide for the family, I eventually got a job working at a Film Studios as a trainee propman. The money was great, got me driving, done the house up nice etc. By this stage mam was off the drink and was being a mother again, everything looked bright. I was loving life and had quite literally forgotten about what had happened, that is, until my uncle passed away..


It was like a tsunami of repressed memories charging me. I became severely depressed, I remember at the funeral (it was an open coffin) I seen his face, he looked smart and respectable in his army attire. I burst into tears and started hitting him. Needless to say I was pulled away and taken out of the church. Everyone assumed it was because I missed him so much, but boy are they wrong. I love my uncle, no doubt about it, but still to this day I am haunted by this, I have told my Fiancée and she has been so supportive about it. In a way I feel it happened for the better, It made me lose out on a loving relationship with my uncle, but it made me strong and independent, which that strength I could pull the family together and were all doing great now.

The thing is though, I feel like a w****/s*** because of it... this really hurts me.

Anyways, I needed to get that off my chest, cheers lads!

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  • its nice to think somehow that what happened to you helped you in a positive way, but believe me, its your mind trying to rationalize it and make it seem better. what happened to you is still very wrong and hurtful to yourself, conciously or subconciously.... its degrading, harmful to your self esteem and image... seek counciling or crush it in your mind vice. good luck... remember, its not your fault

  • Please do not beat yourself up over this. You were abused by your uncle! That was NOT your fault! You may consider some counseling to help you deal with your feeling. BUT either way it WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!! All the best to you.

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