This Overwhelming Sadness

Gahh, this is so frustrating. More because I don't even know how to sum up these feelings. Also because I know that thirteen year olds aren't supposed to feel this way. I just do and it bothers me so much. Whenever I'm alone, and sometimes when I'm with people I have such depressing thoughts. Bad memories about things I've done wrong, ways I've hurt people. These thoughts make me so, unimaginably sad. I feel so lonely. And I can't talk to anyone about it, people just view me as happy, lively, and outgoing. I have a constant fear that no one's ever really gonna understand me. Even as I'm posting here I know people are probably just going to think I'm a stupid, angst-y teenager. I always hope that I'll be able to communicate to people the way I feel well enough. But I know I'll never be able to because I don't try. I know none of this probably made any sense. I just had to get it off my chest.

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  • You are not alone. I'm an adult and I go through periods of extreme sadness...I dwell on the bad things I've done, how I've hurt others, embarrassed myself and my family, etc etc. If I see something beautiful, I want to cry because compared to it, whatever it is, I feel so much less than it is. A baby is pure and sweet...I'm not anymore. A sunset is glorious and impressive...I am not and will never be. A painting is moving and inspires...I am not and do not. Sometimes when I feel a moment of happiness bubbling up, the "snakes" (bad/sad slithery thoughts) creep up and ruin it. They tell me I don't deserve to be happy and remind me why (someone I've hurt, something stupid I've said). This has happened on and off since I was about 8 or 9. I went through a period of numbness which is way scarier than sadness ever is...but I have learned that when the snakes come, you have to fight them off at the first sign of them. It's a bad habit your brain has of letting bad thoughts take over. I have never wanted therapy and do not believe in or trust anti-depressants. I think that knowing a pill was making me happy would undermine my happiness. I would rather be sad than feel unauthentic. A few things that have helped me are 1) when you remember things you have done wrong, counter it with a memory of something you did right. 2) pretend you are hearing all the bad things you have done coming from someone else's mouth...if you heard someone else confess to you those things you are so ashamed of, wouldn't you be nice to that person? 3) Think about the story of the two wolves that are constantly battling in your mind and heart - one good and one bad. The one you feed gows stronger. 4) Whether or not you are a Christian, God still loves you and so does his Son, Jesus. When God forgives, the bad stuff you have done is removed from you "as far as the East is from the West." He forgives us because His Son took all of our punishment for us. All we have to do is accept. 5) Do things for others...at its core, depression is a selfish thing, even though our feelings of self-worth are so low. We are focused so totally inward we don't realize the suffering around us and how we can help. Simply noticing the circumstances of others will not make you feel any better...if you dwell on the suffering, it can bring you down further. The trick is to DO something about it.
    Try easing someone else's mind; help out someone else. Devote yourself to doing awesome things for others like visiting the elderly, helping an animal charity or donating time or stuff to a group home for kids. I know it may seem like surrounding yourself with sadness will make you feel worse, but if you are working to make someone else's situation better, it has a wonderful affect on your outlook. Not to mention it gives you a lot of ammo for #1! By helping others you help yourself. Kindness to someone (or a furry critter) in need is some of the best therapy around. I know from experience. Good luck and I will be praying for you. :)

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