Insecure.

I've always been generally insecure about myself, mainly my appearance. I've been dying my hair various colors since I was about 15, even though my natural reddish-brown, is quite pretty. I decided to dye my hair close to its natural color and let it grow out, in hopes that I would still feel pretty without having a crazy hair color. I've been trying to wear less makeup, as my boyfriend says I look better without it, and in general, trying to go for a more natural look.

I know I'm not an ugly girl or anything. I went through a very awkward stage in middle school when I had very bad skin, hadn't lost my baby-weight, and didn't really know how to dress or how to fix my hair or how to pick less dorky glasses, so naturally, I was teased. What hurt the most is that my mother constantly picked on me for my weight. In 7th grade, I was trying on swim-suits, and she told me that I really shouldn't get a bikini. I was never fat, or even chubby. I'm about 5'1 in height, and have never weighed more than 125 pounds. During gym class, a good friend of mine, who I had known since 5th grade, told me, "No offense, but because you're pale, your acne really stands out" and that my glasses made me look like "a high-school geek". Of course, I was hurt by these comments, and still remember them.

A few years ago, I was visiting relatives, and my aunt, dropped off some very good cookies. I was going to have one, and my mother said I wasn't allowed. She said my brother could have one, "because he's skinny". I was greatly hurt by this, and luckily, my brother and my dad defended me and gave me the last cookie.

I went to college two years ago, and came home for the first winter break about 15 pounds skinnier, about 110. Then, my mother told me that I looked too skinny. Of course, the reason I lost this much weight is because the cafeteria food made me very sick most days, and not much of it stayed in my system very long.

Again, I never thought I was fat, really. Of course, being a girl, you always feel fat around that time of the month or whatever. Luckily, my boyfriend is constantly reassuring me that I am thin, and "flawless" and "beautiful", and that I'm not allowed to feel fat. It's nice, hearing that from someone who has had a crush on me since they saw me. I'm glad I have him. It's just hard to forget those comments that were made about my body all those years ago.

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1 Comment

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  • Listen to your bf and the 1st poster. There's nothing wrong with you and you're beautiful inside and out.
    No offense, but your mom sounds like a b****, so don't listen to a word she says.
    Just move on and live your life and be happy.
    You're awesome, so Good luck. :)

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