Toxic

This is going to be a long post, so thank you in advance to those of you that take the time to read and respond. I'm not sure where to post this... but I have been holding onto this for a long time and I sure could use some emotional support.

For the past 2 years, I have been living with my boyfriend and his family, which is comprised of his mom and his two brothers. This wasn't planned - my boyfriend decided to provide a safe haven for me after I finally stood my ground to my abusive family and they decided to kick me out (Really, I had an emotional breakdown from everything I was enduring). This was an emergency and I am forever grateful to have a roof over my head.

That being said... my boyfriend also comes from an emotionally abusive family with narcissistic tendencies so it hasn't been a walk in the park. I do remember him telling me about the way they treated him, though I never imagined it would be this bad.

From the very moment I set foot in this house, I have been judged and looked down upon, despite the fact that they "took me in" knowing fully well the situation I was coming from (I later found out from his older brother that my boyfriend lied to get me here, saying that I was already on my way. I didn't correct his brother, but it did show me that it wasn't the act of kindness I initially thought it was).

First of all - his older brother had a bad attitude towards me from the very start. He always gave me bad looks and any effort I made to be kind towards him was ignored and shot down. He went out of his way to ignore me anytime we were in the same room as each other and wouldn't even acknowledge me when I greeted him. I tried for a year to "win him over" before ultimately giving up and letting it be... Nowadays, I recognize my self-worth and I believe I deserve better than that. If that isn't enough, he treats his brothers in a very low manner, as well.

Although living with him is an extremely uncomfortable experience, I've learned to accept that that's just the way he is and it has nothing to do with me. If anything, I feel sorry for him, as it clearly translates to other areas of his life, too. I, for the most part, have made my peace with the fact that he and I may not ever have a positive relationship with each other because it doesn't seem as though he has a truly healthy relationship with anyone... aside from his mom. (Golden Child Syndrome)

Now the mother... is the epitome of chaos. She invites problems into the household only to put the responsibility on their sons and speak poorly of the people she is helping (myself included) all for the sake of virtue signaling -- to make herself look good. She gossips and speaks poorly of people in general while painting herself in a seemingly good light.

She loves playing the victim almost as much as she seems to love sabotaging any efforts of progression that we make - whether it be taking up space in an environment that we need access too (I can't count the number of times I was late to work due to her "suddenly" feeling the urge to clean the kitchen and have a full-blown conversation with me that I can't escape) or suddenly implementing a random project or task that doesn't need to be done, but throwing a chaotic emotional tantrum until she has her way.

All in all, she is selfish and self-absorbed but refuses to acknowledge that about herself. She assumes the worst about others (including me) while taking no time to reflect on herself or perceive a different perspective from the negative one she carries within herself. In other words, there is no getting through to her.

His mother has blown up at me for the SMALLEST of things:

1. When my boyfriend and I decided to put a lock on his door so that we could have some privacy -- something my boyfriend should have ALREADY done as an ADULT (he is 37 years old! His brothers are 31 and 38).

Prior to this, his mom would barge loudly into the room, cause a ruckus, and ask mindless favors of my boyfriend who is trying to sleep. (My boyfriend works overnights, so it is VITAL that he gets to sleep during the day - something that I'm amazed his mom never considered).

(We live in the basement which is next to the laundry room, so I can understand her frustration, however, she does not need access to the laundry room every moment of the day and her son's health should be the top priority.)

The moment my boyfriend left for work, she came lashing out at me about the decision. I told her I'd prefer for us to wait until he came back so we could all calmly discuss it together as I didn't feel comfortable having that conversation with her. Instead of listening, she scoffed and continued to hurdle insults at me, telling me how she doesn't like that her son chooses to serve me (he used to cook and serve me food because he knows how to navigate around the house) - something he did willingly.

This lady is upset because she can no longer benefit from my boyfriend having a lack of boundaries due to the abuse he endured, and it drives her mad that he finally is setting healthy boundaries for himself... Like my boyfriend used to be sleep-deprived because his own mother wouldn't let him sleep because HER wants mattered more than my boyfriend getting a decent amount of rest... and he was depressed for years because of it... and what's more, she is upset that he is willingly doing for me what she wants/demands him to do for her. It isn't enough that she bullies her other two sons into giving into her demands.

2. She lashed out at me over not being able to do her laundry as soon as she wanted to do it because I was sleeping... it was 10:00 at night and I had work in the morning. Prior to that, my boyfriend set a boundary that she was to do her laundry on the weekends and I granted her the luxury (my fault) of doing it on the weekdays whenever there was an opening to do it.

Again, the argument steered away from laundry and directly towards how I was incompetent as my boyfriend's girlfriend, as if my boyfriend has no choice in the matter and he isn't an individual adult that makes his own decisions. As if I'm forcing him to be my partner and to do things for me... I have always stood by my boyfriend's side and supported every decision he made, whether it included me or not.

3. She lashed out at me because I was in the middle of taking a shower when she needed to use the toilet and she accused me of doing it on purpose (gossiping to one of her sons about it)... she then proceeded to sit both me and my boyfriend down and took the opportunity to, once again, criticize me along with telling me to leave the house... all over a shower. (To be fair, she did wind up s******* herself... but to assume that I somehow knew she had diarrhea and was purposely staying in the shower so she could s*** herself is truly messed up. It was my self-maintenance day... Ladies, I'm sure you know how that goes.)

Does this sound like a rational, stable person to you?

All the while, she has been speaking poorly of me -- sometimes in front of me -- yet she expects the two of us to bend over backward for her. In fact, during her lecture, she said she was upset because 3 weeks ago (at that time) while we were going out to eat, we didn't think to get her something... when every other time, we typically would buy her food, groceries, and luxury items. Heck, she even infiltrated our Valentine's Day and we wound up buying her chocolates and flowers instead of focusing on enjoying the day ourselves! (As of now, I refuse to spend any more money on her. She does not deserve my generosity.)

This lady has an emotionally incestuous relationship with her sons... she gives them the role of husbands and throws a fit when they don't abide by their 'duties' even going as far as to throw a tantrum when they choose to go out with their friends instead of spending time with her -- which they actually spend MOST of their free time with her!

Luckily, my boyfriend is aware of it, however, his brothers (especially his rude older brother) continue to enable her behavior so she thinks it's okay to act out in these very extreme ways. His older brother defends her to no end - even when he KNOWS she is wrong because he has fallen victim to her abuse himself! His younger brother doesn't have a backbone and cowardly follows the crowd - the crowd being the mom and the older brother, who feed off of each other's negativity. Even though he and I get along, I can't trust him because he plays both sides and is two-faced in those regards.

I truly feel alone in this situation... my boyfriend understands how I feel, but he is in a difficult position as well and I don't want to push him any further. I'm trying hard to be strong for him.

After our last interaction (which took place months ago), I have chosen to no longer go upstairs (where the kitchen and bathroom are located) due to her chaotic behavior. I truly don't feel safe and I fear that I'll allow my anger to get the better of me.

Luckily, we have most of what any living space has down here (fridge, Wi-Fi so I can finish my schoolwork, enough room to store our personal items) and I have purchased items so that we can be more independent (Kettle, Microwave, an overhead table to serve as a counter + dining table, a room divider for privacy whenever they choose to come downstairs to do their laundry in the next room). Unfortunately, I've also been made to such low measures as using the washing machine to clean myself in a very poor environment - without any proper flooring or walls, the room is cold with bugs and mice crawling around... additionally, the room is cluttered as his family chooses to just throw things in there rather than follow through with their plans to buy a shed. It's very dehumanizing, though I am making the most out of the situation and keeping a good attitude about it, trusting it will all pass soon.

I realize how angry I sound... I need help.

2 Comments

  • newest
  • oldest
  • most replies
  • most popular
  • When I was in a similar situation...I held a strong believe that it was all a test. That if I handled myself correctly and always held my head high knowing that the long term blessings of being calm and patience would pay off. They did. Now I have a beautiful home and now everyone looks up to me. Hang in there...gods blessings will be great if you just always do whats right

  • OP here - Thank you... you gave me hope.

Account Login
Signup
Is this post inapropriate?
Is this comment inapropriate?
Delete this post?