There was a hole here

Even though I wish I did, most of the time I feel like I don't love my significant other, even though he's everything I could ever hope for. He loves me completely for who I am, and all my flaws, but I keep feeling like something is missing. It isn't with him, though, it's with me.

The first love of my life was somebody I met through the internet, years ago when I was a teenager. We could tell each other anything because we never had to say it face to face. We talked for hours on the phone and just to see his face one day was like a dream. One day he said he loved me and it was the best day of my life. He sent me the lyrics to "I Have Been Right All Along" by Armor for Sleep and confessed his love for me. We had been talking for a few years at this point, and he had so positively affected my life... and I did the same for him. We were completely there for one another. We had a connection. I planned to go to college by him, and there we met for the first time and it was everything I ever thought it would be. He was handsome; he was everything I ever imagined being perfect in a man for me. We had a great weekend, and he took me back to school.

A week later, he said he didn't love me anymore, and acted like he never said what he said over a year earlier, and that he was "Sorry for leading me on". He forgot he'd been saying he loved me every day since then, for over a year, and acted like I'd been making it up. He said he loved me as a friend, or family... but not a month before he had been talking about marriage... I have no idea what changed in him or why, maybe I wasn't as beautiful as he thought, or maybe he thought our relationship would be too much work. I figure, though, he loved the fantasy of "us"... then when it became reality, it wasn't fun anymore. Sadly, I thought it was just the beginning of the best thing ever and I never really let that loss go. Just talking to him made me feel like I was on Ecstasy, before I knew what that felt like. The hole made by the disappointment and shame has never fully been filled despite my best efforts.

I quickly got involved in another relationship that lasted for over two years, and ended with him leaving me for one of my "good" friends. I loved him almost as passionately as I did my first love, and it devastated me that this would happen AGAIN. Around the same time my bipolar mother threw me out my home, and I found myself surviving off of the generosity of others until I found a high-paying but gruelingly labor intensive job to get by. I met my current beau around that time, and he was happily there with me while others wouldn't be.

He's really everything I thought I'd ever need. He really, really does love me for everything I am, everything I've done, and accepts my faults. He doesn't think I'm not good enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough. I trust him completely, and he's my closest friend. I put my all into being there for him. I've even told him the majority of what I'm writing here now, and STILL he accepts me!

It's been five years since I was rejected by my first love, and I'm ashamed that it affected my life so horribly. My other relationship was troubled because of the insecurity I felt, and no doubt that's why he left me. I don't blame him. Now this relationship, finally with the person every lady says she deserves to be with (whether it's true or not) is troubled because of the past. I feel like I can't, or won't passionately connect with my boyfriend because of what's happened before, even though I want to so bad.

I guess the sad truth seems to be that a fantasy built up over 5 years is so romantic it can't ever be replaced, and so built up it can't ever live up to expectations. In that way I set my entire romantic life up for failure. My boyfriend wants to get married, and I know we'd be happy and successful, but part of me will always be looking for that something special I had with my first love that never got fulfilled. This is why I can't marry him, and why I'm confessing online instead. Hopefully writing this all out will give me insight and understanding, and I can repair and do what's necessary, whatever that is.

Thanks for reading, if someone actually read all this. I'm just one person out of billions on this planet suffering from the same confused heart most of us suffer from, but it's good to know that once again I can be open to a stranger.

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  • How old are you and your current boyfriend? This does sound very confusing. Would you say you love him, even though this relationship doesn't maybe have the passion that you're looking for?

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