I'm all messed up.
I don't know what's going on with me. I'm with a man that I really do love, I swear I do. But he doesn't give me what I need. I just need him to help me more. It's complicated. I'm the breadwinner, but since I'm the woman, I take care of everything else too. It's not fair and I need his help. But he resists. Now I have another thing going on. I work with a man. He's a few years younger than me, and he's tall and he's got a great smile and I find him very attractive. And he's married. And he's into me. Bigtime. He doesn't want to leave his wife, he's not in love with me. He wants to have s** and be intimate. And we've been intimate. Very intimate. We've done just about everything short of penetration. We were hot and heavy for a while, but I've all but stopped it now. I want him. But it's wrong. And I don't know how to feel. This guy- he's not like my man. He's a hard worker, a good parent, and from what I can see he tries to be a good husband. He's just s**-starved, intimacy-starved, and he wants to be touched. By a woman that really wants him. He doesn't understand why I put the brakes on between us. But the thing is that I really don't understand either. I love my man. But he takes me for granted and it feels like, in my relationship, I'm just being used. Still, I don't want to be a full-on cheater. I just don't know what to do. There are so many great things about this guy that I work with, but I'm not stupid enough to think that he's 'perfect for me' or anything. Everybody has their faults. I admit and confess that I'm terrified of being caught in our affair, but I'm also scared that I'm going to fall in love with him if I let this continue. I'm a lost soul, I'm not a 'bad person' I am just very confused and I'm not being treated right in my relationship. We're not partners, I feel like I have to take care of him. It's not right because he doesn't take care of me. I don't know what to do and I need some help.
To top it all off, I might be changing jobs soon. This new job- a TON more money. But I like the job I have now. I like working with the guy, and I don't have much of a commute. I'm torn because if I'm offered this new job, (which I think I will be) I have to resign myself to being the big breadwinner forever. And I have to leave the job I love and the guy I feel intimate toward.
My sensible brain tells me to take the job, stop seeing this married man all together, and work on my relationship. My emotional brain is telling me to keep my job, end my relationship, and give in to my desire to be with this man that I work with. Who's married. I'm a mess.