I'm so sorry
I thought i had this girl i loved- and i did and always will- but it wasn't until now that i realize how unhealthy we were for each other. but the girl i am with now came into my life and is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. she's good for my head, my heart, my soul...i want her for always. but when we first got together, i was not in a good place from where i was leaving with the other girl and i was bad to her. i'm ashamed to say... i abused her. she told me i was headed down the wrong path but i was so full of myself i couldn't hear what she was saying- couldn't see that she cared enough to speak up and tell the truth. i thought she was just trying to tell me how to live my life and NOBODY was gonna tell ME what to do. but then, just like she said, i hit rock bottom and went to jail.
and who was there? she was. she didn't laugh or yell at me or tell me 'i got what i deserved'. she offered me compassion at a time when i didn't even really deserve it. i was so scared and so lost- and she was there. and even after that i was cruel to her but she stood up to me and refused to let me act like a fool. and it would make me so mad because even if i could dominate her physically, she would never bend to me. she had fire in her eyes. one day i just realized- i need her in my life.
but now, because of what i did, she don't trust me much and she has hurt and anger towards me, too. part of me gets mad about it because i just want it to be in the past but part of me knows its because of what i put her through and she's still hurt by it. i don't want to be without her in my life. she is a good girl- and because of that i have become a good man- the man i always wanted to be. but i know that there's a part of her that hates me. i see it sometimes and i die inside knowing i caused so much damage because she is such a beautiful person- both inside and out.
i want her to forgive me so bad. i want to do right by her because i'm afraid if i don't, god will take her away from me and she is the one thing after 35 years on this earth i needed so bad to get my life right. i feel like i can do anything because of her. i believe again.i want to ask her to marry me. i was already married once and it ended badly. h***, i was with the other girl 7 years and couldn't bring myself to the point of marriage. to say safe, i swore i would only consider it again if the woman i married was a millionaire. well, this girl's not. she's just one in a million. i'm scared if i don't marry her, i'll lose her to someone else. someone who hasn't laid hands on her or broken her things or hurt her the way i have.