Mums the word...

I have witnessed very f***** up things my whole life, but I don't really talk about it.

Had a dysfunctional family, my parents divorced when I was 5 years old. At that age, I got sexually molested by a political family member. He would touch me and give me oral s**... But I never said anything, to anyone... I made the decision to never speak about the incident.

I was only five years old when I decided to not say a word.

Ten years later, I was a pretty popular girl in school. I had my boyfriend, was friends with everyone in my freshman class, and was even friends with sophomores and seniors.

The thing is, my boyfriend's best friend had always liked me, and resented that I became his best friend's girlfriend. He made advances at me when we were alone, and tried real hard to get with me, but I always rejected him. I never told my bf about all this, because he would kill his friend.

I told his friend to forget about me, to stop trying, but he wouldn't listen and kept insisting.

My boyfriend wasn't really the best looking guy, but was the class clown, and always made me laugh. His best friend, however, was really attractive and asked me all the time what I found attractive in his best friend. I would always tell him the same thing: he's respectful of me.

Later that year, my best friend had a party in her house, and we were having fun. My bf was break dancing all over the place, I was cheering and laughing, it was too much fun because he always tried way too hard to make others laugh and have a good time.

I noticed my boyfriend's best friend sitting in a corner across the room, looking at me in anger, not having fun at all. Still, I didn't really worry and decided to ignore him.

Later on I got really sleepy, and asked my best friend if I could use her bed to take a nap (even though we already had planned a sleepover at her house that night). I said goodbye to my boyfriend, went upstairs straight to Dee's room (my best friend) and went to bed.

Five minutes later, my boyfriend's best friend entered the room. I asked him what he was doing. I didn't even get a chance to get out of bed. He quickly got on top of me, tried to kiss me, touch me and tried to get my panties off.

I had to admit, not even my boyfriend was that aggressive with me. It was kind of a turn on. Even though I resisted, he managed to put his hands under my skirt, move my panties aside, pull down his zipper, put out his p**** and penetrated me against my will.

Even though I didn't want him to be my first, I thought he wasn't that bad either. He later told me it was his first time also. Then he said he would tell my bf, so he'd break up with me. I told him: if you tell my bf, if you tell anyone, I will tell everybody how small your d*** is.

He went downstairs and later on left the party, some people tell me. I pretended I felt asleep, and I didn't come out of the room until the next morning.

He didn't tell anyone, and neither did I... We hid it well, no one ever found out. He even started acting like he hated me, for no reason... so I did the same.

After a while I broke up with my bf after he tried to convince me to have s** with him, to "lose my virginity to him". I felt so guilty... I couldn't go on with it anymore...

I eventually moved on with my life, even graduated in another high school.

I've gone to psychologists and tried really hard to get all that off my chest, but I never said anything.

I still have nightmares with my ex-boyfriend's best friend... I often dream he is slowly chasing me across my former best friend's house, trying to get me alone, while I discreetly tried to get away from him, like I used to do in school, trying to not stare into his eyes and see him look back at me, with his crazy desire.

I don't feel bad for keeping secrets, though. I've never confided on anyone and I think I never will. This is my first and only confession. That's the way it's going to be.

Aug 10, 2011

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  • just remember we are as sick as our secretes.hope you get well soon.i made some similar decision when i was around the same age.

  • Thanks a lot. It is hard to pretend I don't care about what happened, and that it didn't affect me. Still, I have become stronger and kind of impervious to pain... I don't know if that's good or bad, though.

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