(Please excuse my English. I never worked well with tenses, and have a limited vocabulary. I may not be able to convey my feelings well, but I will try my best)
I am instantly attracted, always had been and still am, to individuals that is separated from a group. The quiet ones. Both men and women, that vulnerability showing from their expressions, body language and speech is sinfully alluring.
They told us, time and time again, not to judge a book by its cover. And most of the time, I don't. But these quiet individuals, with their bruised confidence, are enticing. They can be controlled, manipulated to follow you. I disregard the fact that like me, they're also human.
I am a teenage bully. I may not beat people up but inflicting physical damage is not the only factor that define you as one. And no, I am not big, burly or look intimidating as h***. I am small, with glasses and have been told to look like the stereotypical NICE doctor (Neat and clean, with a kind face)I bully my one-sided crushes, mother and friends (All of whom could be considered people with a serious lack of confidence.)
I met my first crush when I was 11, how my adrenaline rushed for her. She was Chinese, and a very pretty one at that. When she speaks, wise things that 11-year olds don'r think about come flowing from her mouth. I was attracted from the very beginning. She wasn't rich, but she had a certain demure grace about her. She, however, did not dare to go around making friends with other students. She eats alone, thus raising a signal that I gladly picked up.
I began following her around. Now that i think about it, I must have come off as really creepy. I abandoned my large group of cafeteria-buddies to sit with her, just the two of us, and marveled at every little thing she did. She found it gross for people to eat from someone else's food, and I thought the opinion was AMAZING. I remember watching her as she talked to other students, even to the teacher for the most trivial of matters and I would get angry. Really, really angry. I still do. She was supposed to be mine, completely mine. I didn't want someone else to take her away from me.
I called her several times a day, everyday, to talk about MYSELF and all MY problems expecting her to listen to me rant. She did, oh yes. Without any hint of frustration. I was the only person she would talk to at a longer length (because I pry her away from any other boys trying to get her. Because really, she was VERY VERY pretty)and so I began thinking she liked me too.
This relationship expanded to when we were 14. She started to become active in school, and I glowered. I tried making her stop, but during the times I wasn't around, that little woman went around making friends. They gave her confidence. They gave her a chance to shine in things that she was really talented in like music.
And as these new friends that I had loathe with all my heart and soul (I am still bitter about them)did their best to take her away from me. My doll. I always knew it was cheesy, but that is what she is to me. A beautiful, lonely doll. Contemplating about this, many years later, I wondered if I wanted her to be mine because it was so easy. She was shy but wanted affection, and I could easily hand it to her by spoiling her in many ways and restricting her in many other. Then again, it was never difficult for me to charm someone.
Bullying. This girl, was a child gifted with plenty. Because of me, she turned a little bitter over the years. I know that she must hate me now. After all I've done. Manipulating her to do as I wish, landing her in trouble so many times because of that. Then I would apologize, say I love her, and repeat what I did all over again. I constantly told her she wasn't good enough, but saying I was the only one she ever needed.
We fell apart at the age of 16. She is now a very happy girl. Very active in school and have large groups of friends that talks to her and listens. But no matter what, I still think none of these schoolmates understands and loves her as much as I had. I still feel soft listening to her name, or whenever we pass each other in the corridors.
I was almost over her, but I wasn't over my tendency to control people. Along came dozens of girls, one after the other. I could love all of them at the same time, but OBSESS only one. When I obsess I am scary. I found my diary from years ago, and the person in the book is a plain stalker.
Currently, I like a boy. He has Klinefelter's syndrome. I did not know it at the beginning but now I find it extremely sexy. Stop me, feelings of love is a horrible thing. Will I be an abuser in the future?