I'm an idiot!
It was college and I have a classmate who was very beautiful. She appears to have many admirers, although very few have attempted to court her. At first, admiring her and saying she is very beautiful is too mainstream, so I resort to deny liking her. By the way, I am not that good-looking and has nothing to brag about.
Anyway, many times when we meet face up, I just look at her to see if she would greet me before I greet back. She did greet me most of the time and I began thinking "is it possible that she likes me?". But I just explained myself maybe she is just being nice.
One day along with our other classmates, we managed to have a group chat at the classroom and there she asked what is my facebook account, or at least add her. I still thought that she is just being nice. When I came online, I can see her online too and she would chat me, saying hi. This became a routine, however, I told myself that I should not fall for her because I don't want disappointments. I made a rule not to chat her unless she chat with me. Soon, long discussions with her made me feel very comfortable with her, and I knew I am falling in love with her, but still tried looking at her as friend. Then, there came a time wherein I forced myself to say "I love you" after too much thought. However, she just laughed.
Then one she invited me to go to a mall, I never considered it a date, but it appears as one. This further increased my wishful thinking that she indeed liked me.
Months passed and when we were in a picnic as friends, she puts her arms on my shoulder, this surprised me, with me putting my arms in her shoulder also. I then began hugging her and decided to reveal my feelings further and decided to court her. She smiles and hugs me back and we continued being with each other in school. On another occasion, I decided to kiss her and she kissed me back, passionately. There I knew that she really loved me.
However, sooner, I was bombarded with paranoia. Whenever she doesn't talk to me, I always feel that she doesn't like me anymore. I always look for signs that maybe she is just being forced to me because really, she is too pretty to be with me. I always think negatively that maybe there are other guys that are much better compared to me that might advance to her, and she will like that guy too. I really, really love her and I don't want to waste her life being with me if she doesn't want to. I don't want to know one day that she is just being with me because I am the first suitor she accepted and she doesn't want to break my heart because of her kindness.
Many times I tested her love for me. However, she is not very showy about it and does not get my clues. Then I decided to complain about her lack of affection to me, asking if she still loves me. She said yes. This happened on many situations where I will try to observe her love for me, and it turns out negative on my analysis. I then confront her about it and she will still say yes. Then one day, she just got angry with my constant paranoia. She decided to break up with me, then I see her tears in her eyes. This broke my heart and I really wanted another chance with her. She gave me but she stressed out that I should try trusting her, but still not expect her that much to love me again to avoid disappointments. I broke up with her with a good feeling of having another chance.
But then, paranoia kicks in. I was very anxious about finding out if she has replaced me with other guys, just to know if my planned efforts for her is worth it. I decided I will never be okay unless I see myself: by hacking her facebook account. There, I knew myself that she really is loyal to me. However, she found out about me hacking her, and our relationship went further down. Right now, she really hates me. I flooded her with apologies and explanations, but she really is very mad. The way she talks to me is very mean that it breaks my heart. I don't know what to do. I really love her, and the least I wanted to do is remove her anger in me. What should I do?