All those birds in the bush
I'm this close to getting a scholarship to study in the states, and all of a sudden I regret not pursuing Europe. I almost want it not to work so that I can be forced to explore the Europe option. Who would go to the states for music when you can be in Paris or Vienna? But I'm sick of myself for always wanting what I don't have, for always loving the potential more than the actual. Like the moment I start dating someone, I start noticing other people. I imagine what it would be like with other people. And I want those other people. I don't do anything about it- I'm just never content. Because I never make moves. I never take initiative. So when something happens to me, I'm suddenly aware of the alternative possibilities of taking action on my own.
And I'm so afraid of choosing a school and a teacher out of thousands of options. I don't know how. But I'm even more terrified of auditioning, of my paralyzing stage fright winning me over, of embarrassing myself to tears and wasting so much money traveling for nothing. Of realizing I am miles behind the level and was unrealistic in wanting to be somewhere better. Of having a prestigious scholarship without any school acceptance.
My whole life is driven by fear. Everything I (don't) do is driven by fear.