How I learned to Hate myself
I have a problem, it's a big proble, or so I think since I became aware of it at age four and have been plagued by it ever since.
This problem is that I was born without a p**** and perceived myself as underprivileged ever since I had my very first conceptions of social construction, at the age of four.
It started with me noticing how girls and boys were divided and encouraged different games. I didn't like the futility of "female-oriented games" such as barbie dolls and others that deeply repulsed me and always having been the leader of my flock I found my self yearning for strategy and violence and physical efforts. So I kindly requested my parents to turn me into a boy, cause of course they made a terrible mistake when they made me a girl, since I obviously wasn't one. For obvious reasons my desire remained unfulfilled. So I grew more, more angry.
When I started school it took me no time to win the playground, I was taller and stronger than most boys in my class cause I trained hard to be strong, I marched with weights and did daily exercise. The boys didn't mind my lack of p**** cause I was good at games, so my five years of elementary school were joyous. Most people would perceive me as a boy because of my behaviour (and short hair, god people are narrow minded), and I wasn't subdued to gender roles.
Then the horror... my body started changing, I fell into deep depression. My hair grew long, and even though I did everything to keep my b****** from growing their shape was still visible through the clothes. Suddenly running was painful, fighting was more difficult but worse than worst... I wasn't the king of the playground anymore, when I changed school the boy's attitude toward me was very different. They wouldnt come and ask me advice, they wouldnt ask me what we should play.
They uncomprehensibly approached me for "the way I looked" and it wasnt limited to the school ground, oh no.
At fourteen I bought pepper spray, as an individual of twice my age had discovered where I lived and keåpt following me home from school regularly. Men (not boys... MEN) would approach me at the bus stop, IN THE BUS, at bars, while eating, while looking at the train schedule... they would try to talk me into going to their place probably to perform intercourse. And though I kept putting them down, they would still come, a new one everytime... once a guy tried to pick me up in the bus, as soon as he went off another guy sat next to me to repeat the act. It was driving me crazy and made me feel as less of a person, since these individuals advanced their sexual propositions without even taking in consideration the fact that they were bothering me, or after being turned down multiple times, or even AFTER I TOLD THEM I WAS JUST 14...
So I shaved my hair and I started wearing large shirts, I started wearing baggy pants. Never again would I put make up if not to dress up as a zombie for halloween. I over-exercised to extinguish the mass of fat on my chest. I took up Muay thai, brazilian Ju-jitsu, I wanted people to see me as strong as the kids of my playground used to.
What I couldn't fix was the hate. The hate for the men who thought of me as their potential s** toy. Hate for the boys that now saw me as "one of the girls" hate for the girls, cause they were the way everyone wanted them to be. Hate for the women, oh did I hate the women. I hated women for CHOOSING to be weak. THey chose to be weak, now I was expected to be weak by everyone else. And everyday I am reminded that in this society we are second class citizens, we are paid less for the same job, we are automatically though of less than people, the weaker s**.
So I confess, I did wrong, I hurted people... I learned violence and used it to get rid of my frustrations. I did horrible things, I got some to lose their mind , I got some to lose their hair and lose their sleep. I was angry and reflected it on everyone, cause I blamed everyone for making me hate myself for as long as I can remember.
And I physically tried to transfer my frustrations on to innocent people. I wouldnt stop til I saw blood. Somehow I thought that since I could beat them down I was stronger, but I know now it made no difference other than exposing how broken and disturbed i was and still am. Even though I don't employ the use of violence as often I am angry. I burn every time someone calls me woman, or lady or girl. All words that to me are synonym of weak, as negro reminds those with african ascendants of a time of slavery. Women are considered less than slaves, when liberated the slaves got the right to vote and were free men. Women had to wait 70 more years for the very same rights. Sometimes I just wanna die, cause this world will never change, cause most days are a torture and pain. I hate my body, I hate how others see me and I know that this wont change until I die.
Getting out with this was very hard, exposing myself as the psychological terrorist I am and as a brute. I accept that I am a bad person, but in my defense, I grew up hating myself... how could I not hate everyone else?
Thanks for the time, I apologise for the overly lenght of this confession.