Back to Square ONe
I tried everything.
I started to lose weight. I learned to wear cute clothes. I smiled often. I learned to wear makeup and follow stringent beaute routines to keep up my appearance.
I shopped for 'cute' stuff. I talk about clothes and boys and 'girly' stuff all the time. I give beauty tips to girls .
Ironic how this came from a girl who once upon a time didn't give a s*** if her hair was up in a pony tail or let loose. Ironic how this came from the young woman who didn't gove 2 hoots about her clothes. Ironic how this came from a young woman who was once considered the ugliest in the class.
I still that ugly girl though. Nothing changed, really. I am still suffering from low self esteem, abysmal self confidence and terrible sense of worth.
I want to be normal like every other girl. I want my own group of friend, a boyfriend to on dates with, a best guy friend - the whole package, what everyone else seem to have.
Honestly, what is wrong with me?
Why is it that even with so much effort on my part I am still that girl who is still without a boyfriend? I was told to put myself out there, I did.
Well, see how that's so fruitful.
I changed everything about myself. Yet, I still see no improvement.
My horrible acne-clad skin took a long time to heal but I worked for it. I am not the prettiest daisy out there but isn't there anyone who thought I was beautiful? Wasn't there anyone out there who wanted me?
It wasn't easy for me to change my self. It took a lot of courage and criticism from a lot of people who thought I was having my head in the clouds.
Guess what, you win. I quit. I quit being trying to be something I'm not. I quit looking at myself in the mirror only to see a monster. I quit, I give up.
If primping myself to get guys isn't working well, then what for? I'm hurt. I'm disappointed.
If guys had half a brain to see that I changed myself just to look appealing to them then maybe they would appreciate my effort more.
I am the ugly girl trying too hard. I am the tall muscular girl who wished she was thin and slender. I am the fat girl who wants to slap you everytime you say I look more like a girl now. How did I look before this, pray tell?
I am tired. Tired of people telling me I wont be this and that because I know from the bottom of my heart they are absolutely right.
I am not meant to be pretty. I am not meant to be beautiful. I am not meant to be anything. I don't want to live anymore like this.