Back to Square ONe

I tried everything.

I started to lose weight. I learned to wear cute clothes. I smiled often. I learned to wear makeup and follow stringent beaute routines to keep up my appearance.

I shopped for 'cute' stuff. I talk about clothes and boys and 'girly' stuff all the time. I give beauty tips to girls .

Ironic how this came from a girl who once upon a time didn't give a s*** if her hair was up in a pony tail or let loose. Ironic how this came from the young woman who didn't gove 2 hoots about her clothes. Ironic how this came from a young woman who was once considered the ugliest in the class.

I still that ugly girl though. Nothing changed, really. I am still suffering from low self esteem, abysmal self confidence and terrible sense of worth.

I want to be normal like every other girl. I want my own group of friend, a boyfriend to on dates with, a best guy friend - the whole package, what everyone else seem to have.

Honestly, what is wrong with me?

Why is it that even with so much effort on my part I am still that girl who is still without a boyfriend? I was told to put myself out there, I did.

Well, see how that's so fruitful.

I changed everything about myself. Yet, I still see no improvement.

My horrible acne-clad skin took a long time to heal but I worked for it. I am not the prettiest daisy out there but isn't there anyone who thought I was beautiful? Wasn't there anyone out there who wanted me?

It wasn't easy for me to change my self. It took a lot of courage and criticism from a lot of people who thought I was having my head in the clouds.

Guess what, you win. I quit. I quit being trying to be something I'm not. I quit looking at myself in the mirror only to see a monster. I quit, I give up.

If primping myself to get guys isn't working well, then what for? I'm hurt. I'm disappointed.

If guys had half a brain to see that I changed myself just to look appealing to them then maybe they would appreciate my effort more.

I am the ugly girl trying too hard. I am the tall muscular girl who wished she was thin and slender. I am the fat girl who wants to slap you everytime you say I look more like a girl now. How did I look before this, pray tell?

I am tired. Tired of people telling me I wont be this and that because I know from the bottom of my heart they are absolutely right.

I am not meant to be pretty. I am not meant to be beautiful. I am not meant to be anything. I don't want to live anymore like this.

Report this

4 Comments

  • newest
  • oldest
  • most replies
  • most popular
  • You just MIGHT want to start with liking YOURSELF first. Your own happiness comes from being comfortable in your own skin, and not looking to others to create your happiness for you. If you changed your attitude, you might be amazed at how things will start flowing for you.

  • lol. i know whats wrong with you. you need others to validate your existence for you. its the mark of a subhuman being. i would say there is hope for you if you could just learn to not give a s*** what people think about you but lets be real here. we both know thats never going to happen.

  • Hey, we're the same. I lost thirty pounds just so I could attract my crush, who ended up trading me for someone shoter, uglier and fatter. And I'm seventeen now and I still don't have a boyfriend. But I don't feel too bad about it. The right guy will come for you :) Keep doing what you're doing!

  • oh boo hoo.. i bet you are pretty, so shut up!! and life isnt just about relationships...

Account Login
Signup
Is this post inapropriate?
Is this comment inapropriate?
Delete this post?