That empty, hollow pit in my heart.
This might be a long one but I really don't care. I figure it's a good thing to get it all out.
Although it may seem somewhat trivial, I have a longstanding fear and (perhaps) a belief that I may never find a girl for me. A few factors have lead me to this:
First is that I am as of now 24 years old, never had a girlfriend, never had any real friends who were girls, never had s**, never kissed a girl... in fact the only physical contact I have ever gotten from the opposite s** was hugs. Now at this point some might read that and assume that I must be some sort of Grade-A Dork. Well, I'm not sure WHAT I can classify myself as. I wear glasses, read alot of books on science, train in several Martial Arts, Played in 3 different bands including a Heavy Metal band, used to have long hair, love getting dressed up, have Asthma, am somewhat lanky and pale and so on. I don't even think I've ever really held hands with a girl for an extended period of time now that I think of it... Because of this horrid inexperience I am afraid that I will never be able to physically satisfy any woman and that it will just turn them away altogether and go for someone who has had a lot of s**. Now I could have lost it a long time ago but I don't want to resort to calling an escort or something. Honestly, I think that is kind of disgusting. I want it to be special and enjoyable for both of us, but more for her than me but really, who'd be patient enough to show me what to do? NO ONE!
Second is my overall body. You see, I had kind of a rough start in life. My mother tried to commit suicide while she was 7 months pregnant with me by putting the barrel of a .22 to her stomach and pulling the trigger. The bullet struck my leg and bounced around leading to alot of problems. When they pulled me out they were so sure I was going to die they brought in a priest to give me my last rites. I made it through (obviously) but not without complications. I have several large scars across my abdomen and one along my right thigh. They are very deep and are kind of attached to the muscle so that they cave inward a little. Because of these, I will never achieve the rock hard abs that women seem to drool over. Because of the complications I am also blind in my left eye, have Asthma, have a foot of intestine missing but probably most embarrassing... I have one working t*******. When I was born they had to physically pull my testicles down, but doing this with me premature caused my right one to atrophy and never grow, while the left one had to almost double in size to compensate. So I could say that I'm ashamed to expose my body to a woman for fear of them laughing at it all; Putting myself in such a vulnerable position as to have all of my shortcomings visible to her knowing that I am nowhere near what she expects me to be.
Third is really just my overall shyness, bad self-esteem and lack of confidence. Because I have had zero experience with women, my confidence with them is almost zero. I can't approach a woman and start flirting with her because I don't know HOW to flirt! I'd make a fool of myself. I have tried but it's always ended in quite the shoot down and them looking at me weird. I know for some, it's as easy as saying, "Well, get out there and start talking to them! It's that easy. Just do it." But really, it's easier said than done. I don't like big groups of people. Never have, never will. I prefer to talk with someone when it's just one on one. That way I can give them my undivided attention while they give me theirs. I hate being a third wheel cause I just clam up and not say a thing. I also know that I am not what women are looking for when judging for looks. I'm not handsome or cute or good looking by any stretch of the imagination, but I know I'm not repulsive (at least I don't think so). I will never have the physical looks that cam make a girl say to herself,"I want him NOW!" I look in the mirror and I really don't like what I see at all...
Really, I just don't want to end up alone my entire life. I see couples walking down the street, in stores, in restaurants and they're holding hands or kissing or hugging and I just watch with envy and some sadness. I've always wanted that in my life, the silly mush of couples who thought obsessively about each other. I've always wanted know what it was like to smile across a dinner table at someone because of a secret joke. Or to engage in some frivolous activity like roller-skating. To play s** games, to make another sing out in pleasure. To hold hands.
I've always wanted that connection but now I fear I may never achieve it. I've wanted someone who will sing to you, "Good Morning baby!" or asks you how your day was, or lets you know she was thinking of you, or buys you something because she loves you or hugs you out of the blue. I yearn for someone to be there with you at your highest points and your lowest, who will care for you and love you unconditionally, who will slowly take hold of your hands, look you right in the eye and tell you how much they love you before giving you a very soft kiss.
I fall asleep at night worrying that I will never find someone out there who will love me for all my faults and my accomplishments, someone who can get past my damaged outer shell and see the loving person I have bound and gagged inside, waiting for someone to set him free so that he may ravish her with all the love and kindness he can bestow upon her being.
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