I REALLY wish I didn't know !
I WISH I hadn't discovered that website that lets you know if someone is lurking in invisible mode on Yahoo Instant Messenger. I wish a friend of mine HAD NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT IT.
There is a man I'm hot for, crazy about, and he's my long distance lover. I get very very VERY jealous and feel threatened when I know he's on YIM lurking invisibly and NOT talking to me when I'm on there, clearly visible and available to chat.
I HATE HATE HATE myself that I check up on him....I keep checking, kinda stalk him and want to know if he's online and just hiding from me in invisible mode.
I HATE how I feel when I know he's there and not talking to ME. It makes me SO JEALOUS.
I HATE how I wonder if he's talking to someone else. I HATE that I have no true way of knowing, other than his word that he isn't interested in other women.
I HATE how I even think to doubt his word. Because that's what my jealousy DOES to me.
I HATE that I'm even considering tipping my hand and telling him I KNOW when he lurks invisibly... and to ask him to get another YIM user name and log into that if he wants to chat with other women. It's because I'm just not sure IF I can stop myself from checking up on him.
I HATE feeling this jealous and possessive of someone. It kills me inside. It makes me feel powerless.
I HATE being away from him and also that I can't be with him. I hate that he's not truly all mine and that it's all my fault.
I HATE that it's been killing me ALL evening NOT to check up on him and see if he's on YIM invisibly. It has taken real willpower, right to the last second, not to check.
L*** and obsession can really f*** you up !