I can't get over this
Ok, well I always had very poor social skills, so when I started high school it was unbearably difficult for me. I had a couple of friends from primary school and there were a few people from high school who really tried to make friends with me. My social skills were so poor, however, that after a year or so my new friends stopped making the effort, as I could never hold a conversation. My first chance of a boyfriend had also fallen through due to the bizarre way I was acting (i.e a bit stalkerish). This increased my self loathing further and this was the first time I self harmed (at 12).
There was a girl who nobody liked who kept trying to be my friend. Everyone in my class kept asking me what I was doing talking to her but I felt sorry for her and also she didn't seem as bad as they were making out (and i couldn't stand up for myself, of course). Shortly afterwards she moved 3 doors down from my house and much as I made out this was a huge hindrance in my life, I was secretly glad I would have a friend nearby as I often felt really lonely.
It turned out she was a horror, as everyone had warned me, but by this stage I had started thinking this was an acceptable way to act and was acting quite the same. The friends I had since primary had, of course, by now up and left. I did have a boyfriend, but he wasn't right for me and we'd argue a lot, but he was a good person. I was 13 at this stage and we had been together months though hadn't kissed (I hadn't kissed anybody).
One night me and this girl ended up talking to some horrible boys on webcam and they asked us to do some disgusting things, which we complied with. I didn't know much about s** let alone would be wanting to do these things, and I know I would never do anything like that in my right mind, but I can't have put up much of a fight, if any. A few years later, one of these boys located me on a social network site, so he still knows full well who I am and the girl might have told countless others. My life pretty much went downhill from there.
I managed to scrape my life together enough to get to University, somehow, where I've thrown myself in to Psychology to help people with mental health problems before they ruin their life like I did. However, the opposite seems to have happened and I'm now so sickened by my past behaviour it's all I can do to get out of bed in the morning and I can't concentrate on anything. I have a wonderful relationship now, but I don't know how he'd be able to look at me again if he knew what I'd done. In my head I keep screaming at myself not to do it, that my life's going to turn out ok and I don't need to be that person.
I think the only way to escape the pain would be just to end it all. There's so much I want to do with my life but this distresses me to the point I'd rather not try any more. I'll never be free of it. I know I need therapy, but I just want to know what normal people would think of me. Do I deserve this?