I constantly miss my friend

I'm happily married with one 1 kid and 1 on the way. Mid 2007 a girl at my workplace started to work with me and I developed a very strong friendship with her. She is 8 years younger than I am (I'm 32 now, she's 24).

We had a fight and she stopped speaking to me in mid 2008. I apologized to her and asked if we could be friends again, she didn't reply. She doesn't speak to me anymore and I haven't contacted her since mid 2009. I see her at work sometimes, we no longer work in the same area though.

Tomorrow is my last day at work and I don't think I will ever see her again. I have thought about her every day since I met her. She is the last person I think of before I go to sleep and the first person I think of when I wake up. Words just cannot describe how much I miss her. The only reason I do not contact her is because I know she would rather I did not contact her. She does not like me and I think the world of her. It's a horrible situation.

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  • No, It's not a horrible situation. YOU are making horrible choices. You have a woman that loved you enough to decide she wanted to live her ENTIRE F****** life with you and bear your children. WHAT THE F*** MORE DO YOU WANT?? A little chippy that's nearly a decade younger than you? Tell you what. When youo decide to be honest WITH YOURSELF then come back here and talk to me. To me it's quite clear. YOu have a preggo wife that's sacrificed her body to bring the next generation into this world with you. She loves you enough to want to raise that next generation with you and then, after you have both used up most of your life energy, stick beside you in your old age. S*** the more I say it the more I want to slap the f*** out of you! I sit here at 57 years old, alone with no children and nothing more than a dog to keep me company in my "golden" years and you are whining about what you can't have?? From where I sit you sound like a spoiled little idiot! YOu made your choices and you have been awarded some pretty damned big prizes... be happy with them and make them your life.

  • Hi, bit of a tricky situation. First off, were the feelings you had towards your friend strictly "friendly"? Does your wife know about her and is she ok with the friendship? If she doesn't know the whole extent of your friendship with the woman on question then you need to ask yourself why not? If she would not approve then maybe the friendship is best to be over. However if everything is strictly friendly and your wife's ok with everything and nobody is going to get hurt then approach the lady on your last day and just start by apologising again. Then tell her that this is your last day and you don't want it to be the last time you see her, tell her that you'll do what it takes to mend the friendship as you value her highly as a friend. If she still isn't interested then you have to leave it at that my friend it's just the way it's got to be. Hope this is helpful brother, good luck.

  • It's very complicated. Today was my last day and I did not contact her, though I really wanted to.

    I don't know if you could understand this, but I honestly do not want a romantic relationship with my friend. Having said that, she was blessed with great beauty, is very intelligent and has a likeable personality.

    I've met many people over the years but I've never had such a strong desire to be friends with anyone like this. Every day I feel empty and I wonder how I can fix this.

    My wife knows how much I miss her - everyone does. It bothered me so much I saw a psychologist (4 of them in the end). Their advice, like everyone else, is to just forget about her and move on. I'm trying to do that but it seems impossible.

  • (I'm not the first commenter..) I initially read your post and thought something more occurred. But now seeing your post, I see something else. Sometimes there are people you just have a strong connection with. And it can just be on your side. Who knows, maybe you knew her in another life (if you believe in that sort of thing). People come into your life for a reason. Maybe it was to teach you about something that you're missing. Who knows, sometimes it's apparent and other times you just never know. But life goes on. A lot of time has passed, so it's sort of odd why she is still not opened to speaking with you. Something more must have happened, which you aren't saying. Sometimes the best way to get over this type of thing and gain closure is to write them a letter with everything and anything you want to tell them, and then burn it. Get it out of your system and then concentrate on the people that are in your life.

  • My great crime, the one that has caused me so much grief, was actually just trying to help her. Someone close to her passed away in Afghanistan and she was very upset by it. I was her supervisor at the time and I had her friends go to her place to comfort her. I organized time off work for her to go to the funeral and I tried to get a grievance councilor to see her. Over the next 12 days I sent her an email a day to let her know what was going on at work and to help reduce her sadness. After six emails she said she appreciate my support but by the 12th one she said not to contact her ever again. I re-read my emails a hundred times or more to see what I'd said wrong - I had friends and family read them as well, there was nothing in it that could offend her like that. Then I was told she started a rumor at work that I had done something to another co-worker, which I had not. I tried to get people to ask her why she was doing this to me but no one wanted to get involved. I tried to talk to her myself and she ignored me. This was one of the lowest periods of my life and it hurt me immensely. To this day I don't know why she did it - it was completely out of character for her to do something like that. I apologized to her and I asked if we could be friends again - she ignored me. I wrote her a letter explaining what had happened and she did not reply. A lot of time has passed and I still can't stop missing her.

    Perhaps we did meet in a previous life. I guessed her middle name (not a big deal) but then I guessed her birthday as well (1 in 365 is pretty good!). I trust her and I don't know why - her actions would make you think otherwise. I don't believe she started those rumors - I think others thought they could gain something by causing a rift between us. The last time I contacted her was a few years ago now and that was via a friend invite on Facebook. I still check it daily, hoping she will some day accept it or that we can just start again.

  • You need to let it go. You're building her up in your mind greater then she is. She doesn't want to be friends with you. What you thought was an act of kindness, she took it as excessive and overbearing, and possibly creepy. It doesn't matter who started the rumor. The message you're not accepting is that she doesn't want to know you. You can go over it in your mind over and over again, and it will make you crazy. Maybe it's not what you wrote in your emails, maybe it's the number of emails..maybe she thought it was strange. Who knows. Even if somehow she decides to accept your friend request (which she won't), do you really think you two are going to be bffs? She has her life, you have your life. They're not going to merge. Just accept it. Friendships don't always last, especially those you meet through work. Not everyone is going to like you or appreciate what you do for them. It doesn't matter..You're going to destroy your marriage and the relationships you have around you with your ocd about this girl. STOP looking at facebook, retract your friend request. Let this go.

  • You are right to an extent. If only we could undo the past with this useless thing they call hind sight. I'm not suggesting we can be friends, I'm not so naive that I believe that to be a possibility. My problem seems to be that I am having great difficulties letting her go from my memory and moving on. She seems to be in my head a lot. I don't discuss it with anyone - but I find myself losing interest in other friends and my patience for people has become very thin.

    This event has changed me and I don't think it's for the better. I just don't have the energy to invest into anyone else at the moment. They say time heals all wounds and perhaps in a few years I will wonder why I ever felt this way. This time last year I was hoping that I would have forgotten about her and moved on already. I would give anything to have her out of my memory and thoughts.

    I wish I had your ability to just let people go like that. I have tried by not contacting her - by trying not to think of her, by avoiding places I know she will be at. I am trying every day, it just feels like I'm not further ahead than I was 2 years ago.

  • I realize it's easier said then done to move on. Trust me, I've had friends and loves that I thought would be in my life for always, and are now gone. And sometimes it was simply because we grew apart. I guess it's my feeling that if someone doesn't want to be friends with me, it's their loss. I'll miss them, but you can't force them. So you accept and fill your life with people that want to be in your life. The Facebook thing is a horrible place for friendships. One day your friends and the next they've defriended you. It's dumb.

    You need to make a concerted effort to move on. Are you being totally honest that nothing else romantically happened with this girl?

    You can't go back in time, you have to move forward. Perhaps she represents something else entirely that's missing in your life. But to sacrifice your other relationships for a friend (who really wasn't one) sounds extreme. You need closure. You also need to be open and ready for closure. YOu have to just say..okay, I'm ready. It's done, I'm tired of expending all this energy on someone who wants nothing to do with me. Say good bye to her (not in person..of course) and move on. Creating new friendships, and concentrating making your current ones better - That's where all your energies should go.

  • ^^
    You are a remarkably perceptive person. I'm not just saying that because you have helped me here but because I have brought this up with a lot of people and you hit the nail on the head in a very short space of time.

    Nothing romantic happened with this person and I never thought it would either, I just never liked her in that way. You've probably had a bit of a celebrity crush on someone in your life, maybe when you were younger? Maybe admired a pop singer, model or actor? You might think it sounds creepy but I genuinely admire her. To think that she finds me repulsive and doesn't like me is very painful and demoralizing. Imagine your celebrity crush looking at you with disgust and taking out a restraining order on you - all you want to do is support them and they hate you for it.

    I get what you are saying by creating new friendships - I just don't find anyone that interesting - it's as though I compare them to her and no one stacks up. There are probably lots and lots of great people out there and I have a few close friends but they just don't fill the void I feel from the loss of my friend.

    Anyway, it's unlikely that I will see her again so maybe that will make a difference.

    For the person above that has replied to me, thank you for your replies. They are well thought out and I do appreciate them. :)

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