Help me with my regret

When I was twelve I basically did sexual things to my brother in his sleep one night. Then for the next few months I had other sexually disturbed thoughts. I'm now 14 and for the last 20 months I've had strong regret of these times, particularly that one night even thought it lasted 5 minutes, if that. Even though the regret isn't as bad now it's still unbearable, it used to deprive me of sleep and I'd even considered suicide. I don't want people to abuse me, I just want advice please, thank you. Also he has no idea about this and for his and my benefit I don't think I should tell him.

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  • I feel for you but I assume you were curious or wanted to know what it felt like? :)

  • haha this is funny, you guys are all SICk!

  • Thanks, real helpful, plus if you'd bothered to read it, it's just me and now I feel suicidal again, thanks.

  • Actually as you obviously didn't read it properly and you don't seem to care about my welfare, you haven't made me feel nearly as bad as I initially though.

  • Ok, last confession. I also around that time and filmed my mum in the shower and then attempted this again a few times fortunately without success. Now I think I know why I did these things, one - I was always slightly abnormal, but two - mainly because I had very deluded morals. Though luckily I've changed for the better now which is the only thing making me feel at all better.

  • Thanks very much.
    Also I recently recalled that it happened over 2 idiotic back to back nights instead of 1. Not really sure if it makes any difference but confessing is helping so I can't lie.

  • Actually my mind's messed around with this memory so many times I'm not even sure this is true.

  • I've decided I really ought to discuss this with someone, but no idea who? My mum/dad/a professional, please help! I really don't know what to do!!!

  • Suicide is never the answer, so don't even entertain that option EVER! Since this is weighing heavily on your mind, then you should speak with a professional and let them advise you on how to heal and deal. And then possibly how to bring it up to your parents. You have to do what you think is right for you. It's important that you process this so you can sleep and be the best person you can be. Stop punishing yourself. Kids are curious about their bodies. Not to say touching your brother is/was okay, but it does happen. It happened once, you have a lot of guilt surrounding it and thankfully it's not something that's been ongoing. Here's an online number - 1-800-Therapist (800therapist.com -not sure what it would be in the UK - you say "mum", so I'm guessing you're not in the states). There's also rainn.org.

  • Thanks and yes I am English (good observation). So, you think I should speak to a therapist? Are they completely confidential?

  • Yes, a therapist should be completely confidential. See this link: http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/support/talking_to_your_doctor/gp_confidentialityteenage.shtml

    Should you see a therapist? Couldn't hurt. Talking is always a good thing. You can't always work your problems out on your own. But what is the end result you're looking for? To learn you're not "bad"? Because you aren't. Forgiveness? Just getting it off your chest? Even telling it in this forum, are you feeling any better?

  • Thanks again. And yes telling it in this forum has helped, but I still haven't forgave myself and I think just discussing it with a therapist might achieve this.
    Thanks also for your answers they made me feel a bit better.

  • Also who do I contact? My local GP, another section of the NHS or a completely separate company?

  • I had to look up what NHS stood for - got it. :-). I think a good first step could be to speak with your GP, they can at least refer you to a therapist that works with children and young adults. You most likely have to tell your parents that you would like to see a therapist. But you don't have to share why with them. I'm not really familiar with how the UK charges for healthcare, but your parents will obviously have to see/pay a bill and also take you to your appointments.

    Since I don't know where you are, I found these sites (I'm sure there are more) http://www.childrenstherapies.co.uk (this site says you would not need referral from GP)

    http://www.achippp.org.uk/directory

    It's awesome that you're so proactive about seeking help. Good for you!

  • That's really quite disturbing and sorry for evidently making it clear enough, but I'm a boy

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