I need help with my regret

What I did

First, I think during year 7 I did sexual dares with a friend. Though this was started by him and it was something that he started and neither of us really understood. Then a couple of months before my 13th birthday on Easter eve and/or Easter day I did sexual things to my brother in his sleep. Then a few months later I filmed my mum in the shower and then attempted similar things a few times again up until about half a year ago, fortunately without success. Another horrible part is that I probably would have done more similar things around then if I'd been given the chance.

The regret I feel

I mainly started to regret these things, particularly the 2nd one towards the end of the year, I think a major factor in me starting to regret was when I started to really fancy this girl. Then the regret really hit, it made me consider suicide, quite seriously some of the times. And even try self harming once, though it never became a habit. After about half a year and many hours of online searching I somehow managed to stop it becoming my regular thoughts. However several months later on I started to really like another girl and this made my regret flare up again. And since then the regrets strongly bothered me and only ever really stops bothering me when I'm seriously depressed, however this can also make me feel suicidal. It's having all kinds of effects, it makes school work difficult as I get often distracted. I have no self confidence as I don't feel I deserve anything, though there are other factors in my confidence issues. Though the feeling of not deserving anything is depriving of so much else, I often don't feel like I deserve help. I just so badly want to live my life with normal problems as all my normal problems seem minor. Though I guess probably the worst thing is that I feel my life's a lie, particularly as everyone sees me as kind and innocent. I know I'll never ever do anything like this again as I've learnt from my mistakes, but also the amount I've changed in other aspects as well. I used to be very weak willed, easily pushed around, overly curious and among friends who were bullies. I now think I've changed all this. Around that time as well as being bullied, my mum and dad split up, my mum was for justifyable reasons very stressed, I knew more than I understood, I'd just got a baby sister, I had become very hormonal and for some unknown reason I'd never really developed a good sense of right and wrong. I'm not trying to justify it though, just try and explain it to myself. Finally rightly or wrongly I can't help but compare myself to serious criminals and sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. So please help, I've done the best I can for as long as I can and now I don't know what to do.

Recently I did seek help. I went to my GP for a referral to a therapist. I found it difficult at times as I thought that I was undeserving of any help. Anyway I told him I was depressed because I'd done a few things I regretted. I didn't however say what. He then took a quiz and it proved I was very depressed even though I underexagerated an answer. However for some reason I was turned down by the therapy centre and I now have lost the will to seek more help. Also my mum only knows I'm slightly depressed. So what do I do?

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  • i emailed you friend

  • i'm wellover my problems sort of but give me your fake i'll email you from one of my fifty fakes

  • my suggestion is call some one you can trust who has your best interest at heart, i had problems reletively similar to yours with slight varience (my friend a year older than me, my sister instead of brother, actually getting close to attempting suicide then backing down) and i chose to speak with myself about my problems because i had my best interest at heart and truly believed no one else did...

  • Thanks, do you think we could talk via fake email addresses or something. Sorry to be a pain but it could help us both.

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