Geez.

So, I've been in this relationship with my boyfriend for almost 2 and a half years, and throughout the relationship, I was pretty happy overall. I'm just now realizing that some things that he did, were extremely emotionally damaging.

He constantly brought up and made me feel incredibly guilty about hooking up with a guy when I was single (before I was dating my current boyfriend), and it got so bad one night, that he called me at 6 in the morning to make me feel s***** about it to the point where he insisted that I message that guy and try to make him feel guilty about it as well. (The other guy blocked me, and I can't really blame him. I probably seemed like a crazy b****.) Up until that night, I had pretty much forgotten about hooking up with that guy entirely, because it wasn't really an important event in my eyes. But now, since my boyfriend constantly prodded me about it and made me feel like a terrible person from doing that, I relive it almost every day and feel like the shittiest person in the world for something that I really shouldn't even feel guilty about.

Also, one night, I decided to be honest, and admit that sometimes, yes, I do find other guys attractive, or have random thoughts about my other guy friends. I'd obviously never act on anything, and those kinds of thoughts are very normal to have. However, it blew up into a huge fight and his words made me feel like I essentially cheated on him. I also relive this event (as it lasted for about a week straight) quite often. That week, I hardly held food down, because I kept remembering things from my past that at the time, I didn't see as important, but if I didn't tell my boyfriend, I immediately got physically sick and had a panic attack.

I am now going to see a therapist every week, and I'm on anti-depressants for the first time in my life. I don't want to blame it all on my boyfriend, but sometimes I just get so p***** at him for what he said to me and how s***** he made me feel about things. I've tried so hard to be a good girlfriend to him in the 2 and a half years that we've been together, and I just don't feel like I deserve what he put me through. He's trying to change and make it up to me, but I'm not really sure if the damage can be erased at this point. I love him, but damn. I hope I can get over this eventually.

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  • i feel like i've just read something i wrote myself. I'm going thru the EXACT same thing, so don't feel alone. I try to comfort myself with that sometimes. Mine doesn't want me to take the anti-depressants coz of something that happened in his family and i keep putting off going to the counsellor coz i know what the root of the problem is :/ stay strong hun and don't lose sight of yourself. You're still the amazing person that u were before this happened she's just gone into hiding it's up to you when she comes out again x

  • 'I don't want to blame it all on my boyfriend'.

    You will have to stop protecting your boyfriend and confront the fact that it is your boyfriend putting you through all this. Your 'carer' nature means you are victimising yourself at the expense of confronting the person who is abusing you (namely your boyfriend) - I've been there, and, in the end, I had to leave the person. Hard to do, but better than a lifetime of victimisation which affects your esteem in every part of your life (and keeps therapists in work). Your relationships with other people will improve too once you start to take charge of your life.

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