I have Failed
Today I feel like I am living alone with someone who says he loves me but never takes my thoughts into consideration.
He can be the sweetest thing, but that is so long as I don't say anything he doesn't want to hear…
I am married to a controlling, volatile man who is prone to lashing out verbally at the slightest provocation
I have to be extremely careful about how I talk about things with him or it would blow up into an argument quickly and he would hurt himself and break things in the house. I could be sharing something that happened at work, and somehow the conversation would trigger him and he'd get angry,. It seems like I am walking on eggshells all the time, not knowing what would detonate the blowups.
I have started to feel devastated, at times anxious, fatigued, and depressed.
'I guess it would be better if he would hit me, because at least I can heal from the strike.' But the emotional abuse just rings out my mind with cruelty."
He has brainwashed me and tries to control my time and physical environment, and works to suppress much of my old behavior. I have been made isolated from all supportive persons except him.
He has insisted that I stop meeting certain people , family members , friends etc
Around him I feel a sense of powerlessness, fear, and dependency.
It is my fault that he drinks cause he says that I am the reason for his excessive drinking cause I don’t do as he tells me to. He tells me that he wouldn't get angry if only I would do what I’m supposed to do.
I guess the fault lies in me only that I am unable to make this relationship work … I think am not seeing him in the right light …
I know I am to be blamed for all his reckless behavior …Maybe I am pushing him to the limits…. Maybe my silence makes him react…. He has broken his hand , has had concussion in his ribs , has slashed his wrists many times , have bruises all over his body because of breaking the glasses around the house …. I have really made him harm himself and I am to be blamed for it …
I know that I have failed as a wife and I know that I cannot keep him happy as I am unable to understand him…
He considers himself the ultimate authority on every subject under the sun; he is always right. He speaks with absolute certainty, brushing my opinions aside like annoying gnats. He seems to see the world as a huge classroom, in which he is the teacher and I am his student. He finds little of value in my thoughts or insights, so he seeks to empty out my head and fill it with his jewels of brilliance. He often speaks of me as if I am in danger from my own idiocy and he needs to save me from myself…
Life with him is a dizzying wave of exciting good times and painful periods of verbal, physical, or sexual assault.
If I refuse to defer to his sophisticated knowledge, he is likely to escalate to insulting me, calling me names, or mocking me with imitation. If he’s still not satisfied that he has brought me down low enough, he may reach for bigger guns such as ruining evening plans, leaving places without me, or saying bad things about me to other people, throwing things, breaking glasses , hurting himself by slashing his wrists etc.
He is manipulative; he misleads people inside and outside of the family about his abusiveness, he twists arguments around to make other people feel at fault, and he turns into a sweet, sensitive person for extended periods of time when he feels that it is in his best interest to do so. His public image usually contrasts sharply with the private reality….