No one sees

I cut myself. I have since I was eleven years old. I have never gone to extensive lengths to hide the scars or the fresh cuts, but no one seems to notice that I have angry red lines across my wrists.
No one notices that I have stopped eating either. Or that when I do have to eat, I go to the bathroom right after and throw up.
I know I sound like every other whiny teenager out there, and that it seems like I'm doing these things fe attention, but I'm not. They are coping mechanisms for me. I just get frustrated that no one sees what I'm doing because they all freaked out when they thought my sister was depressed. I guess I feel like they overlook me because I'm the oldest and I'm supposed to be strong, but sometimes I break too...

Sep 19, 2012

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  • A lot of times, the person who is supposed to be strong is the one who needs the most help. I always clearly remember when I was younger, I had gone past a simple cut and carved a symbol into the palm of my hand. I freaked out and hid it for the firt two days, but then I misplaced my gloves. The marks were still angry and red... but no one noticed, even when I stopped hiding it.

    Sadly, a lot of the time, inaudible cries go unheard. I think, for some of us, it's because we're ALL fighting a hard battle, whether we look it or not. So sometimes, it's hard to look over our own behaviours and see how much other people are hurting. For me, no one helped until I broke down and told someone, who held me in one place until my parents showed up and I told them. Maybe it would be worth it to let them know for you, too. If your parents really did freak out over your sister, then they probably care just as strongly for you. You just need to help them see it by putting it out in the open, in words they'll understand. I hope you can live past this and be strong enough to let go of these coping mechanisms to find ones that are less harmful to your body. It might take until you feel like you're breaking to summon up the courage to talk, like it did for me, but I hope one day you can share your story and get the help you need.

    You aren't alone. I hope you can take comfort in that, if nothing else.

  • Thanks for your support, it really means a lot. I actually have told five people about my cutting, and mi sister is one of those people. She hasn't said a word to anyone, and I am both thankful and frustrate at that. Does she not care, or is she trying to let me deal with it my own way?

    Also, about the symbol you carved in your hand...I did the same thing on my thigh, only I put a word there. My mon saw it once when I wore shorts, and I told her it was writing...she believed me.

  • I started cutting a decade ago when I was 11, I went like 8 months without but I slipped up a month ago now I can't stop thinking about it; it's the strongest addiction I have ever thought.

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