I'm tired of it.
All my life, I've always been the quiet girl. I'm the one who you don't notice often, the one who wears relatively plain clothing and doesn't do anything special to make herself look pretty. I'm the one who's nice to talk to, but seems a little awkward and reserved, and seems to do a lot more listening than talking.
...I'm also that girl who tries to do anything you ask of her (whether the question is stated or not). I'm that girl who wants to make the few friends she has happy, because she's so afraid of losing them. So I'm the one that gives. And in the process, I'm the girl who loses herself in the end.
I dampen my personality, flatten it out to a more "acceptable" level. I attempt to stamp out all my wierdnesses, my rambling thoughts, everything that might make another person uncomfortable. I've tried to conform to what others expect of me. I've tried being an extrovert. It backfired miserably.
Pardon my language, but I'm sick of this s***. Actually, don't pardon my language, because I don't care what they think of me anymore. I'm tired of censoring myself. I'm tired of being submissive, insecure. I'm sick and tired of feeling inadequate because I place myself on a lower pedestal to lift others up. I want to be equal, too.
I'm tired of trying to squeeze myself into this little compartment I don't fit in. I just... don't. I don't fit in. I'm sorry, but I don't, and there doesn't seem to be a damned thing I can do about it, because believe me, I've tried. I learned my lesson in high school.
I'm not going to be selfish, but I'm not going to put myself down anymore just to make them feel better. I will still try to do what I can for others, but I'm not going to let my stupid inferiority complex distort that. I'm not going to stifle parts I think they might not like. And I sure as h*** am not going to come home feeling like s*** every day because I didn't please someone.
So... I'll still be the quiet girl in the corner who reads too much, and I'll still be the one who wears too many old band t-shirts and has rather messy hair. But you know what? When I don't feel like being quiet, I'm not going to be, just so I can fit into their preconceptions of the way I should act. Nope. When I don't feel like being quiet, I'm going to be loud as h***.