I'm tired of it.

All my life, I've always been the quiet girl. I'm the one who you don't notice often, the one who wears relatively plain clothing and doesn't do anything special to make herself look pretty. I'm the one who's nice to talk to, but seems a little awkward and reserved, and seems to do a lot more listening than talking.

...I'm also that girl who tries to do anything you ask of her (whether the question is stated or not). I'm that girl who wants to make the few friends she has happy, because she's so afraid of losing them. So I'm the one that gives. And in the process, I'm the girl who loses herself in the end.

I dampen my personality, flatten it out to a more "acceptable" level. I attempt to stamp out all my wierdnesses, my rambling thoughts, everything that might make another person uncomfortable. I've tried to conform to what others expect of me. I've tried being an extrovert. It backfired miserably.

So.

Pardon my language, but I'm sick of this s***. Actually, don't pardon my language, because I don't care what they think of me anymore. I'm tired of censoring myself. I'm tired of being submissive, insecure. I'm sick and tired of feeling inadequate because I place myself on a lower pedestal to lift others up. I want to be equal, too.

I'm tired of trying to squeeze myself into this little compartment I don't fit in. I just... don't. I don't fit in. I'm sorry, but I don't, and there doesn't seem to be a damned thing I can do about it, because believe me, I've tried. I learned my lesson in high school.

I'm not going to be selfish, but I'm not going to put myself down anymore just to make them feel better. I will still try to do what I can for others, but I'm not going to let my stupid inferiority complex distort that. I'm not going to stifle parts I think they might not like. And I sure as h*** am not going to come home feeling like s*** every day because I didn't please someone.

So... I'll still be the quiet girl in the corner who reads too much, and I'll still be the one who wears too many old band t-shirts and has rather messy hair. But you know what? When I don't feel like being quiet, I'm not going to be, just so I can fit into their preconceptions of the way I should act. Nope. When I don't feel like being quiet, I'm going to be loud as h***.

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  • Right on! Self censorship sucks! You don't need to be loud as h*** though... EVERYONE hates loud people. Except blacks because THEY'RE so loud. Also Hispanic women. Women of ANY Hispanic herritage and American Blacks of either s**, be more quiet than them. If you ARE either of those groups, please keep being quiet and encourage that in your friends and family. Especially at the movies. American blacks, please be like English blacks. And the British in general. They're all quiet. So for American Blacks, it's just a cultural thing, NOT a race thing. Certainly not a BLACK thing. So you can't accuse me of being RACIST, because I just proved that. But I guess you COULD say I'm being racist about all Hispanic women. But since I'm limiting being loud to JUST the women, I guess I'm JUST being a sexist/racist of A race and A s** of THAT race. Except I'm not. But beyond that loudness thing, shine your own way! Good on you! Be yourself and show the world you have something to prove! But just quietly, please. Unless you need to prove something to the blind in particular, too. But if you're loud to them, then the MAY just think you're an American Black or some type of Hispanic Girl, so I suggest you use a British accent of any dialect when being loud to the blind to prove you're unique and that you're not afraid to shine. So shine on, you crazy diamond! (Just quietly, though.)

  • Oh my God. I read this, and it felt like I wrote it, have wanted to write it for a long time. Every single word struck a chord. "I'm sick and tired of feeling inadequate because I place myself on a lower pedestal to lift others up." Except that I'm still looking for your hopefulness. I wish it were as simple as "when I don't feel like being quiet, I'm not going to be. When I don't feel like being quiet, I'm going to be loud as h***". But then again, why shouldn't it be? What miracle does one need to change?

    Most days I feel like a fraud- my biggest fear is having someone know me, really get to know me, because then they would see that weakness. I'm so sad whenever people call me a sweet, quiet, loving angel, because I know that my love is the kind that one gives because one is lacking, not overflowing. It's born out of insecurity, out of want, out of a desire to be loved in return- so it can never be completely sincere. I listen. I listen for hours, and in my head I'm thinking, can't you notice that I've been listening to you so patiently without saying a word? Love me for it. One day, you'll remember how I absorbed all of your problems without ever sharing mine. That's what I'm thinking. My biggest fear is being disliked, so I spread myself thin, put people first, struggle, struggle, struggle to love and to please and to mold myself into what people expect and want and wait for. And I've conformed too many times that I've forgotten my original shape.
    I want to be loud. I want to cross the stupid lines. I want to go wild, to be free- to live the freedom I have only in my mind. The huge drift between my mind and my body makes me tired, makes me sad, makes me sick.

    How do you get over that?

  • Rock on sis!

    CC

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