Was with boyfriend for 3 yrs. Broke up for 9 months, now back together ...

My boyfriend and I started dating some time in 2008 and we broke up in 2011. We were OUTSTANDING when we first started dating. The first year was absolutely amazing. Everything was brand new and I was falling so madly in love with him. Hitting the anniversary mark, it was getting a little shaky. We argued non stop, we never went out & we always blamed each other for everything. But - We never stopped loving and caring for each other.

I started college & he was working full time - and when we did see each other I was just so tired from work & school that I didn't have time to keep up with myself. I was gaining weight, I wasn't doing my hair & in all truth ; I was entirely comfortable with my boyfriend.

He was getting tired of me. He would complain to me about how he didn't find me sexually attractive and how I wasn't fun in bed anymore. He would also prevent me from going to see my friends because he slept over my house every single weekend.

I stayed with him because I slowly became afraid of him. When we fought it was serious (although, it was never physical). I tried so hard to keep everything. I would cry to him and he thought I was just "over reacting" but I wasn't. We would go weeks without having a meaningful conversation. I purposely tried not speaking to him because I was just getting sick of it.

Sometime in 2010, I met this guy who recently started working at my job. He was nice to me and we became friends. Our friendship started as chats on our breaks at work, then we exchanged numbers and just talked. He was dating another girl that we worked with - and they had problems so most of our conversations stemmed from our relationship problems.

He gave me more attention than my boyfriend did at the time. He gave me that emotional fix whenever I needed it. Whenever my boyfriend and I argued, I turned to my work friend. But, it was only when my boyfriend and I argued. My work friend and I started web camming and it started to become cyber sexual. He would m********* on camera and I would show him my chest. But thats it.

This legitimately only happened when my boyfriend and I argued & that was it. Finally in 2011, I broke up with my boyfriend. It took everything out of me to do it but it was after almost 2 years of anxiety. I loved him with all of my heart - I really did I just hated what he was doing to me. Everything wasn't good enough. I felt like I was being emotionally abused & mentally abused. And I know that isn't any excuse for doing the things that I did via webcam with my work friend but they happened.

9 months went by, and my ex boyfriend and I ran into each other at my job. Why he came there? I have NO idea. But - he claims he didn't expect to see me. We had coffee together that night and he promised he was a changed man and I swore I was a changed woman forever. We made love that night & we started dating again. I noticed how much he had changed, and I started to feel guilty about the things that had happened with my work friend.

I spilled and told him. I had to.
We are still together and we are doing great. He doesn't control my life & I don't control his. He does his own things and I do my own. Out of respect for my boyfriend I don't speak to my old work friend anymore. Its been almost 6 months since we started dating again and for some reason I still can't get the guilt out of my stomach from what happened when my boyfriend and were together the first time.

Nothing ever got physical*
And I told my boyfriend the details that he needed to know without getting graphic.

Why do I still feel so guilty?

2 Comments

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  • You've already told your boyfriend and apologized for it, and you've cut off contact with that other man. It seems like you have a much better relationship with your boyfriend now, and it appears that he has forgiven you. You've done all you can, and the guilt will go away over time.

  • i don't know what to say mostly because i've never had a relationship even one as crappy as your first

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