You must hit the very bottom before you come up.

I go to a boarding school which doesn't allow you to have any sort of open flame, and yet I a carry a lighter and incense in my purse. A couple times a week I go off campus to a secluded spot and light the incense, using it to burn myself. I have a scar that says FAT and am working on one that says, "I don't love you," which I was inspired to do after watching Good Will Hunting.

I also almost got pot from someone recently, but apparently he couldn't get it because of cops.

I've been really depressed to the point where it's been negatively affecting my grades. I think about suicide constantly and yesterday I came very close to ODing on menstrual pain relievers, only to read many stories where an acetaminophen overdose doesn't work and the person just ends up with a lot of other medical problems. I really want to die but I'm too much of a coward in that I can't allow the chance of living.

I made an appointment with a counselor as per my academic adviser's suggestion. I'm thinking I should just tell her everything so that I can get real help as soon as possible. However, I think my problems fit the criteria for landing myself in a psychiatric hospital, and with only a month left of school, I probably wouldn't be returning for the rest of the year. I don't know how that would affect things in terms of grades and whether I actually get credit for having taken the classes, but I feel that getting help for myself would be best in the long run. And yet there is a large part of me that doesn't want anything in my life to wrong to the point where people realize it. Like, I don't want academic career to be interrupted, which is why I thought I was going to wait until the summer to get help. But at this point I don't think I'll do well in the state that im in. Do you think it would be best to get help as soon as possible?

May 5, 2012

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  • Hi,
    I can relate to what you're going through, as the situation in my life a year ago was very much the same. You need to get help as soon as possible, and need to be completely honest with the counselor about everything that has been going on. Write things down if you think you'll forget.

    About a year ago, I was in the same place that you are. I was holding my wrists under boiling water from the tap until they were raw on a regular basis, considering suicide, couldn't eat without having an emotional breakdown, trying to get drugs from people, drinking my parents alcohol covertly, was having a horrible time with my schoolwork and had to stop going to school and spent time working with a counselor and just healing. It has taken a while, but I feel SO much better now and I am going to start school again in the fall. I will be a year late, but I don't care, it was totally worth it. What I was doing before was NOT living. That is why I thought I wanted to die. I just wanted to stop not living and not feeling and didn't know a way out of it other than just offing myself. Today I feel happy. I do have my rough days and rough moments, but I don't get dragged down by them and they don't eclipse the rest of my life. Do this for yourself, you deserve it. I know it's hard, especially since you don't want other people to know, but, the thing is, if you don't do something about it now, it will get worse and worse until it becomes a huge thing and you can't even think rationally about what to do and people will know about that instead. It isn't the worst thing in the world. This is the only life you get on this earth, you are the youngest now that you will ever be. Let someone help you. Whatever the negative consequences, it will be the best decision you'll ever make.

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