I don't know.

The slightest thing sets me off. My parents have unrealistic perfect expectations of me. I'm the perfect daughter- straight As, joined MENSA when I was 11, I have a few extremely close friends, all the teachers love me, I keep my room tidy, I make an effort with my appearance... when I was 11, I felt so fat and disgusting because people bullied me (I was about 5 stone, extremely underweight) that I starved myself. I went on a residential and I told someone that I was anorexic. They told their teacher, their teacher called Social Services, and they called my parents. I came home and the only thing my parents did was yell at me! They didn't ask about my wellbeing, they didn't care if I really WAS anorexic- they just cared about how it would look to friends. And I still feel ugly now, and I've just been diagnosed with Mixed Depression and Anxiety, and my GP tells me and my mother that I desperately need to see a psychiatrist, and my parents keep telling me to 'perk up!' and remind me that there's people worse off than me! I told them how I've been crying myself to sleep for the past six months and they don't care, they just don't care about me, the human being. I self harm, and I feel like my teachers care about me more than my family do- I'm really close to some of the English teachers, and they and my friends are the only people who've ever hugged me. They call me 'lovely' and praise me, they talk to me about my future (but not like my parents do; you MUST be a lawyer, you MUST be a doctor), they laugh at my jokes and take an interest in my life. I've considered suicide. I once showed my best best best friend my self harm scars and she just looked at them, said 'Okay.' and changed the subject! I feel so worthless- but a lot of the time I feel like I don't feel. I feel distant, and I tell myself what to feel. I'm scared and lonely and my parents monitor everything I do, they read my diaries, they read my emails, they do deep index.dat scans of the websites I visit... I feel like I'm going to explode, and I can't tell anyone because I'm only fifteen and they'll think I'm whining. And the teachers might listen, but I don't want to burden them, and my parents might yell at me.
I form obsessions too easily. These teachers are the only ones who've ever shown me some real affection, and I kind of stalk them? With my friend. We look at their facebooks, google them, and when we googled them we found their addresses. I feel dirty and ashamed and I want to die.

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  • I'm sorry.
    I had the same kind of parents growing up, and a similar experience. I went anorexic when I was 16 but they completely ignored the psychological aspect of it, only took me to a gynocologist because they were terrified I would lose the ability to give birth to children, a woman's one and only purpose for existence, and the doctor only told me to "gain all my weight back". And my anorexia became binge-eating disorder. I struggled with eating disorders and depression for years and they had no idea, never saw any of it, have only cared about my impressive academic records. I fought alone- I'm 25 now and can now say that I beat my disorders on my own, even if traces remain. My life is really limited where I am- I belong to an ultra-conservative culture where I have to live with my parents until I'm married, where ambition other than settling down with a husband is scorned, but I'm going away to grad school next month and I can't wait to start my own life.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is, it can be really hard and really disappointing to wait for people to hear you, to really see you. It might never happen. You're young but know that you can take your life in your own hands. You are responsible for making it what you want it, with or without love from your parents or friends. Think of what you can do. Really visualize what you want and go after it. Life is too short to blame people. You sound smart and bright and beautiful and you deserve so much happiness. Don't wait for it- create it.

  • Don't give up .. Think about the future , you're fifteen , nail school , nail college , and you're home free .. Ul never have to look at your parents again .. Just don't give up .. I'll be your friend ...

  • do us all a favor...shut up

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