Heartsick and running on fumes
I Found a great job that I enjoy and has a bright future,as non college grad with a new family this is truly a blessing. I got promoted 6 months ago and my new position requires me to travel almost 60% of the time. Im very close to my wife and baby girl and I miss them so much when I'm on the road I find myself sliding into som sold habits to cope with the loneliness. I feel so guilty and heartbroken when I'm gone I cry a few sad tears form mother every night I go to sleep alone in some fancy htel I could care less about. I have never been more hurt than the first time my 2 year told me she misses me and to hold her over Skype. I have another one on the way and the prospect of not being available for another person who loves me and wants me to be there is naming at me so much most nights when I'm gone I don't sleep. When I'm away from them it tears me apart,but there is nothing else I can do that would allow me to support them now. I don't know if I'll find a better way to deal,but I'm worried the strain I'm putting on myself will put me intro an early grave.
When I go home and my wife loses her patience with our little one I feel so resentful to her because I would do anything to be the caregiver,but inside I know that she has more pressure and stress on her than I do . I worry my closeness with my baby girl will turn to resent over time from all the times daddy couldn't be there. I worry the appreciation of me being the provider will lose to the loneliness my wife must feel when I'm gone and that one day I'll lose them. I have no one to talk to about this,since I don't want to relay to them how horrible I feel hone I'm away. Work is going good though,I'm set to bonus again and I couldn't give a f*** less. I'd trade it all to spend all my nights with them. I love you girls so much I don't know if will ever be a way for me to express it to you completely. Please please understand that daddy only leaves to take of you,I'm only gone because I love you.