I hate my girlfriend
But for some reason, I still love her.
She and I met in one of the most ideal circumstances. She actually liked me before we even met, which has never happened to me before. Then we got together and things were great.
Fast-forward about 4 years...
For over a year now, my relationship with my girlfriend has been pretty nonexistent. She always pre-occupies herself at any possible time. We used to see each other all the time. How often do we see each other now? Maybe once a week at the most(if that!), even though we only live 10 minutes from each other. Sometimes I've gone weeks without seeing her. Wanna know what she's doing that whole time? She works, which is fine and I don't have a problem with. But she ALWAYS has to find something else to do. She works extra jobs even though she already makes plenty of money, she volunteers at multiple places during the week and on the weekend. Just now she is working full-time during the week and practically full-time on the weekend.
I f****** hate her.
Why does she need to spread herself so thin? The random people she sees all the time get to see her more than I ever do. H***, they probably know her better than I do at this point. I've talked to her about this, but all she does is cop out by admitting this is true and never doing anything about it. I thought I was a nice boyfriend. I really tried. And now I'm so alone. I have virtually no friends anymore to begin with, but without my girlfriend ever being around, I go to bed every night hating my life and wake up dreading being alone for another day.
What's contributed to my growing hatred of her is something that shouldn't matter so much, but it's getting to me more every day.
We've never had real s**.
She has this fear of inserting anything into her v*****. It's on the level of phobia. I was fine with this for a long time because we'd have s** in other ways without inserting anything, and I was fine. But even that was so long ago. We go months without having s** now. She stopped taking the pill because she didn't want to pay for it(even though I offered to help pay for it), so we can't really do it. We've been together for 4 years; I shouldn't need to use condoms at this point. But that doesn't matter because she never has s** with me anymore anyway. And when we do, she doesn't even enjoy it. But she sure as h*** likes her f****** vibrator, which I bought for her because I thought it would help her achieve o******.
I thought I've been understanding. I've been putting up with her phobia for so long without much complaint. In fact, we've gotten books and resources and vaginal dilators to help her with her problem. I have given her so much time and patience to deal with this, and I have kept up with my side of the bargain to improve my flaws, but it's been so long now and things are worse than ever.
I feel like my life is going by me. The last time I had real s** was when I was 17, and now I'm in my mid 20s. I could be having so many experiences, including sexual ones, but the older I get, the more difficult it will be to have such experiences. I should be loving my life, but I hate everything about it. Especially my girlfriend, which I love for some reason.
I love her because she's a sweetie. I don't know a person who hates her(aside from me). What's weird is even though she pays little attention from me, I have actually tried breaking up from her a few times in the past. You'd think she'd be relieved to have me gone, but then she gets more upset than I do. I don't want to break her heart, but she's consistently breaking my heart every day that she decides to do some stupid s*** instead of be with me. She breaks my heart every time she makes it seem like she wants to make love to me but then it never happens.
The thing that I hate about her most of all is that she's the closest thing I've ever had to a girl who I could relate to. If I broke up with her, I just don't know how I'll meet another girl who's willing to put up with the things I like, my weird sense of humor, the music I like, etc.
I also don't want to go through any of this ever again. The only girls I've met in my life who I could relate with seem to be f***** up in similar ways. I know I'm a weird person, but why can't I find someone who loves me just the same? Why is it that people think I'm f***** up, but I think that other people are more f***** up than I am?
I don't know what to do now. I might break up with her for real this time. I'm so sick of not having a girlfriend that I'd rather not have one all-together. I'm so sick of people and their problems. I've had problems all my life that I had to overcome. I used to be fat, I used to be shy, I used to dress poorly, I used to be a complete nerd, and somehow I worked through those problems. Why is it that nobody else that I know can work through their flaws? For once I'd like someone to fix their problems and not me.