Family Sexual Hurt
When I was child I was abused, shown videos of p***, molested, and even almost raped. This happened on both sides on my family, my father and my mother side. I have went to counselling and group to talk about it all.
My sister went through it with me even my two other girl cousins who were around my age then. Their mother is my fathers sister but they went through it with their father side of the family too. We all leaned on each other when it all happen and it hurt like s*** when they moved away from me and my sister. I am older now and we all live near each other again but we all never told our parents. We all are older now... We aren't as close as we use to be and sometimes it feels like we are falling apart. Me and my sister have a dark secret we never told them when we were 6 and 7, we ate each other out after watching so much p*** while being abused, made use confused. I remember when I almost hurt one of my younger cousins but I stopped myself, i had asked him to take off his pants but told him to stop. He thought it was a game but being 6 i knew it wasn't, I never saw him again. But later months I found out he had already been sexual with another cousin of his own age. (What my grandmother and mom were whispering about) I had nightmares of raping, being hurt, even hurting members of family. I found out so did my sister and cousins... Everything has happened in the past now so many years ago.
I still struggle with a lot of it but I soon plan to find my cousin to make sure he is OK and apologize to him. I WANT TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT.... I live in fear to have children because i don't want to be the monsters my family were. I help out at women shelters and try to be one with God. I know he has forgiven me for everything because I was so young but I can't seem to forgive myself.