What is wrong with me?
Meaningful confessions don't really get responded to, but whatever. I need to write this out.
Nothing has been able to stop me from feeling like this. I'm 21, own a house, have a stable job and a steady group of friends. Yet, I am hopelessly depressed about everything, feel inadequate in pretty much every way and am inexplicably terrified that I recently referred to the thought of dying, to my girlfriend, as common for me as "what am I going to buy at the store."
I honestly horrify myself more than anything else that could scare me. Every time I get behind the wheel of my car. Every time I'm left by myself for extended periods of time. Every time I'm even just walking down the street, I want to just end it there. I am a danger, waiting to happen. And I don't know how to stop it. In anyway.
I've tried everything I can think of. Therapists, drugs, help groups, everything, ever since I was 10. I can really only ever see the ending as something terrible. That I've reached 35 and still feel as empty as I do with the connections I've made with people I know. I constantly feel unfulfilled in everything I try. And I just want it to stop.
If you took the time to read this... Thanks.