What is wrong with me?

Meaningful confessions don't really get responded to, but whatever. I need to write this out.

Nothing has been able to stop me from feeling like this. I'm 21, own a house, have a stable job and a steady group of friends. Yet, I am hopelessly depressed about everything, feel inadequate in pretty much every way and am inexplicably terrified that I recently referred to the thought of dying, to my girlfriend, as common for me as "what am I going to buy at the store."

I honestly horrify myself more than anything else that could scare me. Every time I get behind the wheel of my car. Every time I'm left by myself for extended periods of time. Every time I'm even just walking down the street, I want to just end it there. I am a danger, waiting to happen. And I don't know how to stop it. In anyway.

I've tried everything I can think of. Therapists, drugs, help groups, everything, ever since I was 10. I can really only ever see the ending as something terrible. That I've reached 35 and still feel as empty as I do with the connections I've made with people I know. I constantly feel unfulfilled in everything I try. And I just want it to stop.

If you took the time to read this... Thanks.


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  • Please consult a doctor about your depression. It IS an illness. While it may resolve itself in time getting yourself seen by a physician will help you immensely.

  • The fact that you are obviously concerned for yourself is a good sign- that you know this isn't normal is a great sign. We are a convoluted mess of chemicals and minerals and sensitive to things beyond our grasp of knowledge.

    Do you fear death? It's fine if you do- I do and I know that it is because I don't know what happens in the end. But you could be in a different boat than I.

    You mention that you feel empty. What kind of things offer you a brief feeling of fullness? What are your unlived desires? While it sounds like 'you have it all," it seems you feel you're missing something very vital to your well-being. But honestly, though you have tried RXs (and most of them perform about as well as their placebos), I would seek a therapist that seems to care and listen and offer honest advice. And for the love of all-- WRITE MORE ABOUT IT! It is one of the best ways to find ourselves within ourselves- just be sure to be truthful with yourself and know that others are here and all around you to help. I can guarantee that your success will help countless others- so find a fix and do tell! We're such a mess, aren't we? I know I am...

  • I read your post too. It's hard when you feel hopeless and down, but there is always hope. Maybe you need to go off the beaten path and try other therapies, not sure what that would be..maybe energy or light therapies. Or maybe a new therapist could help. Keep on talking about it and letting people know how you're feeling. Your friends may not always know how to help, but they care.

    Take care of yourself, sometimes changes in diet, getting enough sleep, and exercise can help with improving depression and anxiety. Maybe even shaking things up a little bit..go back to school, stay busy, go and travel - see the world.

  • Not only did i take the time to read it but i sympathize with your pain. I also suffer from depression. I aslo want to nd it all and feel that life is one long dark unending torment. Take courage than in the hope that things can get better, that you can be happy, and that even though you want to kill yourself you have managed to stay alive since you were 10. Good luck my friend you are not alone.

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