I feel ashamed

I was 16 when I fell for a guy who was 21 then. He had created a fake image in front of me and I was totally blind in love with me. I always wanted him to ask me out and when he actually did, my joy had no bound. It all started with a kiss and in less than a month he tried to have s** with me against my will. Tough he wasn't successful. I convienced myself and lost my virginity to him within a week. Later we had s** almost daily. I had lost my mind and wasnt aware of what I was doing. Later he started torturing me. I hadn't spoken about my relation to anybody since that guy was my gym instructor. But my sister found out a little. I told how he kept forcing me and she asked me to break up before it was too late. Since I was tired of getting f***** by him I decided to move on. I tried avoiding but he started blackmailing. Then I began realising that he only wanted to f*** me nothing more. All he wanted was my body. I made up my mind to tell my close friends about all this. I told them that I dated him but I was ashamed to reveal my s** life. One of my friend who supported me the most fell for me and asked me out and I felt he was the one since I seriously needed someone by me. I began dating him. But he kept me more than happy and was very caring.. He never did anything against my wish. Everything has a perfect time he says. It's been a year that we are dating but we have never thought of having s**. He wants us to grow up and feel that feeling.. Only once we had lost control when we were heavily drunk. He said he wanted to feel me completely. We did try it then and all of a sudden I began to cry and he just has never spoken about it again. I feel ashamed that I don't give me what he wants. Everything happens according to me. I feel am neglecting his feelings. But whenever I think about having s** with my bf I remember my past. And I am scared that my bf will find out am not a virgin. I dont know how he will react and am really scared of losing him. He had asked me once about my virginity and I had claimed to be a virgin. I lied to him, am ashamed. What do I do? I can't loose this person for anything. I just didn't want to risk my relation then or now..

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