I have to get this out...

I feel powerless and weak. I feel dependant on my mother, and yet I behave so ungratefully. I’m a terrible daughter. I’m a terrible friend. I think horribly cruel thoughts about the people that act with nothing but kindness towards me. I feel like people don’t like me, even when they claim that they love me. It doesn’t matter what anyone says. I always feel that they’re somehow lying. I always think I want to be around people until I am, and then I just want to be alone. Sometimes I think that my feelings aren’t real, and that I’m a hollow shell of a person. I feel like nothing matters. I feel like I have no purpose. I feel like my words have no merit.
I feel like nothing I do or say has any real impact on the world. I never feel good enough. I feel ugly, stupid, fat, untalented, lazy and worthless. Every day I just sit there and waste my time instead of doing what I know I need to get done. I feel like my life is just going by, and I haven’t done anything of value with it yet. I’m wasting my time angering myself playing worthless internet games while others my age are getting a job and preparing for college. I feel like I’m filled with useless information that I could’ve replaced with more academically centered things. I feel like I can rant all I want, in a private journal, or anywhere, and it won’t matter because only I can help myself, and since that’s the case , I’m pretty much screwed. I see athletes my age winning medals in the London Olympics, and it makes me hate myself. I see actors and models, beautiful people, even my friends, and I feel jealous. Why couldn’t I have been born beautiful? Why didn’t I stick with a sport when I was younger? Why don’t I do all of my homework and study harder? I could’ve had straight As, sports scholarships… I can’t afford college, and I basically shot myself in the foot at a young age.
I don’t feel suicidal. I’m not entirely sure how I feel, exactly. It just feels like I’ve lost control of my life. I want to ask for help, but I’m too afraid that my asking will inconvenience and worry the people that love me.
I just really needed to get all this written down and off of my chest.

I want Oak to email me.

Sep 12, 2012

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