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I’m 34 and I’m clearly an idiot
I am still technically currently married. I have been with my spouse since 2012. Unfortunately, my husband turned abusive towards the end and to make it short.. his actions ended up, causing me to runaway scared with my children and For the state to have me as their sole guardian. I am with someone now that I have known for about a year so. he met me when I was at my lowest with my husband. we got each other as far as our jokes and he really understood how to listen and communicate with me. my husband, and I have been separated for about a year and a half.. and in June, my husband went psycho and I wanted to kill me which resulted in my current boyfriend basically swooping in wanting to protect me and my kids. From the start here was very generous and kind. he provided a home for us and paid my necessary bills with no complaints. I never asked him to I’ve always been self-sufficient, especially after my husband left the home. my boyfriend never wanted me to get a job even at my reluctance as obviously I want to help contribute. he said there was no need but also as time went on I’ve gathered that he just didn’t want me around others. I’m a very sociable person. But it would always result in an argument as he felt my focus wasn’t on him. Even though I was having harmless conversations with people that he had brought around. He does not like me going out or doing anything or being around anyone except my family. he says a queen needs to be home and not out running the streets. Which is not even what I want to do technically. if I went out, it would always be to the gay bar that I had frequented for years if I did go out. I feel comfortable there. I was never there and always respected. I found going to places I was inappropriately touched or did not feel comfortable. I am no longer allowed at this bar. One of his reasonings is that I am not gay. Prior to us dating he knew that I have been an ally and was actually a committee member for the pride network at the large bank I worked for. my nephew, is gay and gets abused for it, when I was 15 I had a gay best friend and my mother used to abuse me for for hanging out with him. my daughter who is 15 is also bi. he says it is disgusting that I want to be a part of the community even though I am simply wanting to be an ally. Says that I am a disgusting little girl when I say that I want to go and have a drink somewhere somewhere. I no longer have any friends. It’s a problem if I want to do anything and I don’t understand why. I get that it is insecurities, which I have told him that I am not here to fix them. I do love him though and appreciate that he did come through and a very difficult time for me and the kids. he has definitely loved me in a way I have never experienced or no one has ever cared to. he says he wants to protect me, which is why he’s like this. a woman needs to be in the home with the kids. Again, I understand this I’m not saying I want to leave my children.. but my children are being watched.. why am I unable to enjoy myself as an adult? I’m not saying I want to go get smash wasted.. but honestly, I simply enjoy life. I thoroughly enjoy football.. which he hates. as a child I used to sit with my dad every Sundays, Mondays, and Thursdays. he says it’s disgusting that I like it so much..
my husband, tried to get me to kill him with a 45 last year.. I had to fight with everything in me to avoid pulling the trigger. When someone you have shared an entire life with for over a decade does something so traumatizing 2 centimeters from your face..
it changes you.
I love seeing people smile, I love the breeze and the sun on my skin. I love seeing butterflies and airplanes.. I love to go to outdoor markets and sit at rooftop bars and people watch. He says this is all disgusting behavior and that if I want to stay in the streets, I can stay there. How can I get him to understand that this is me? That I just genuinely love being outside? I understand that this is controlling behavior.. I have tried to talk to him about it to no avail. It always results in an argument. I have been with him since June and here it is November 1. He told me that Halloween night, Knowing it’s my favorite holiday, That we can go out for a little bit. I put on my costume make up and heels ready to just be out in the world.. When the time came, I called him to say I was ready. He got mad and said that I have issues of always wanting to be in the streets and that he doesn’t want a woman that wants that. Literally all I wanted to do was just sit somewhere and enjoy the nighttime breeze, Drink one drink, And people watch and see all the costumes. Instead, He said I better not leave, And that he does not want a woman that never wants to be home. I’m not sure if I’m explaining myself Correctly. I am no ** and was very loyal to my cheating husband while he was with everyone possible. My current boyfriend knows this. He no longer wants me to go out with him as he says I don’t know how to act. He can’t tell me how I don’t know how to act.. But the times we have gone out I can say that we always end up arguing because I have a conversation with someone or someone ends up catching eyes with me. He says I am inept at making him my sole focus. I have never been with someone like this. I understand my husband was cheating and didn’t really care about me the way I thought.. But even through his own jealousy, he never limited me on fun. I am not sure how to navigate this or approach him to have a meaningful conversation for change. My kids already love him, and I also already love his kids. But this is really ** my mental health. My father raised me and he would talk to a slice of bread on the sidewalk if he could. I mean no harm. But for whatever reason, he feels like once, I talk to someone whether it be a male or female.. That I am inviting them to have ** with me and that is their perception also. Any advice is welcome.
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